Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Ham Jesus And Sometimes Pie


Happy Easter, the Internet!

I do hope everyone is enjoying the day. While Easter is my second favorite holiday, I opted to work today because I like money more than I like eating ham and chocolate with my family (also because I’m a heathen who views Easter as the ultimate sex holiday, and seeing as how not a lot of folks are on board with that, it’s just easier to avoid social gatherings on this day all together). I will say that I am actually a little bummed that I’m not at home smiling and nodding into my mashed potatoes while pretending to be interested in a full recap of the three hour sermon my good, wholesome family attended this morning. This is another “food holiday”, and the fat girl in me sure loves any day where I can openly display my ability to ingest horrifying quantities of  meat and biscuits in one sitting.

“OMG, Cerebral Milkshake, how dare you say the “F” word! That’s a very insensitive and it hurts the Internet’s feelings!.”

RELAX, it’s cool.. I used to be incredibly overweight once, so I’m totally allowed to use the “F” word. I mean, shit, what other words should I use? Chubby? Rotund? Packed with adipose? There really is no graceful way to say it, and one does not simply ignore the inner fat girl. SHE NEEDS LOVE TOO. She also needs pizza. Lots and lots of pizza…. and cookies…. and sometimes pie…. oh fuck yeah… pie….



Speaking of pie and cookies, I’ve been really hyper aware of this remaining five or twenty pounds that’s been clinging for dear life to my ass and thighs lately. It’s been bugging me enough to the point where seeing myself naked in the mirror causes a visceral , “this is such fucking bullshit, what the fuck” reaction from my brain. I suppose I could take the easy route and just “accept myself for the way I am please pass the Entenmann’s” or some shit, but that’s lame. Believe it or not, I’m one of those unpopular weirdos who not only doesn’t mind eating vegetables and engaging in vigorous cardio, but thoroughly fucking enjoys it. What I don’t enjoy is having to surrender the glass of vodka I like to have after particularly long and treacherous work days, and also that in order to lose weight, it’s required that I become a food snob for a bit which tends to make people uncomfortable and even downright not like you. No joke, it is mind blowing how offended some people get when you decline a slice of their delicious banana bread (uhn), and despite explaining the reasons, they assume it’s really because you hate them and will often reply with, “losing weight is terrible, plus one slice isn’t going to kill you, have some right now or we can’t be friends”.

THIS IS FALSE: Banana bread will absolutely kill you if you put enough arsenic in it*, but really what I’m worried about is the fact that I have the sort of metabolism where merely gazing upon a chocolate chip muffin (uhn) for longer than five seconds causes me to gain 5.6 pounds, and that’s the sort of thing that will keep me from achieving my goals.

*Alright, I know, it would technically be the arsenic that kills you and not the banana bread (plus I’m pretty sure my friends wouldn’t poison me, but you never know). Either way, I hate having to explain myself and I don’t understand why “no thanks” isn’t an acceptable response to banana bread.

“Okay, we get it, you want to lose some weight or whatever, but what the fuck does any of this have to do with Easter?”

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, you guys. I went into a completely different direction than I had intended and I’m so far off track that I don’t even remember what the hell I was going to say to begin with. I know it had something to do with rabbits and ham and Jesus and….. mmmmmm….  HAM JESUS….







10 responses

  1. Your tags made me laugh as hard as your sprinklings of ‘unh’ did, although pairing the word with that particular photo is making me finally start to understand why people seem to cringe at the word moist as much as they do…

    April 20, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    • I love the word ‘moist’. It’s so awful and sticky and fantastic.

      April 22, 2014 at 10:05 am

  2. Thumbs up for the Doctor Who reference.

    April 21, 2014 at 9:11 am

    • Lukewarm confession: I’ve never seen an episode of Dr Who. What did I accidentally reference?

      April 22, 2014 at 10:06 am

      • LOL

        April 25, 2014 at 11:06 am

      • Ooohhh…. I was referring to the medical term for fat tissue, which is ‘adipose’, though I suppose it’s technically the same thing as those little fatty creature things, just less adorable.

        April 25, 2014 at 12:48 pm

  3. I always use the “I’m allergic” excuse whenever banana bread is offered. Pretty effective, unless they later see me eating a banana.

    Also, ham Jesus sounds like it should go on the list for possible band names…

    April 23, 2014 at 10:43 am

  4. Proof that I’m just a massive nerd cause my brain went Ooo cute chubby things from Doctor Who vs ya know, an actual medical term.

    April 28, 2014 at 6:46 am

  5. flyingplatypi

    Is it weird that I now want a Jesus shaped ham?!?



    April 28, 2014 at 6:04 pm

  6. You didn’t answer the question of how much arsenic you’re supposed to put into banana bread….

    May 7, 2014 at 10:00 am

Leave this bitch a comment. Bitches love comments.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 127 other followers