Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Please Refrain From Hosing Me With Your Sickness Because I Am Not A Glittercorn

Hello, The Internet.

I am really sick right now.

I do not mean sick in a “oh dear, I have the sniffles, I must be dying” sort of way, or sick in a “gee, I sure hope no one goes through my internet history if I die today from said sniffles because they will know just how incredibly fucked in the head I was in real life” . Don’t get me wrong, I do have a horribly runny nose and a slight fear someone will figure out my computer password after I leave this life, but I’m referring to the, “fuck this fever, body aches, chills, I hope the dick-hole that coughed in my face last week stubs his toe so hard that it ruins his gait for a month” kind of sick.

Okay, I’m sort of kidding about calling dude a dick-hole and wishing him discomfort. In his defense, I was sticking an eight inch Q-Tip into the back of his throat, and let’s face it, it’s hard to take eight inches of anything in the mouth without coughing or gagging AMMIRIGHT, LADIES???

fuck yeah.

fuck yeah, ladies.

“WTF, CM, that was really inappropriate. Also, why are you giving that guy shit for coughing when you were, in fact, poking his throat with a long object?”

Yes, you’re right, that was HIGHLY inappropriate. Please forgive me. I don’t have a lot of gal-pals, so I look for any opportunity for lady bonding. And like I said, I was mostly kidding about calling the poor sick sap that I was poking with a stick a ‘dick-hole’. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, you see. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people vigorously and unabashedly hack their diseased sputum in my face and, in response to my wincing with dread of all the potential diseases that I just ingested, retort with, “what do you care? IT’S NOT LIKE YOU PEOPLE GET SICK.”

You people. Meaning health care workers.

I have to say, out of all the incredibly stupid things that come out of people’s’ faces at my job, the thing that floors me the most is something that I hear MULTIPLE times a day, and that’s, “IT’S AMAZING HOW YOU GUYS NEVER GET SICK”.

Not only do people say this, but they fucking mean it.

I wish I were joking. If I had a dime for every time I hear this mind-blowing statement, I would be raking in at least thirty cents a day. Times that by four and a half (the average amount of shifts I work per week), that comes out to roughly 280-something a year, and I could buy a really awesome thing with that many extra dollars* in my pocket.

*I’m sure the math isn’t entirely accurate here, but whatever. My head is stuffy and fevered and I want a cookie because everything sucks right now, so don’t judge.

What I wouldn’t do to be able to charge such an asshole-fee for being subjected to such nonsense on a regular basis. Sure it’s easy to shrug off the blatant stupidity of others, but after a while, the shit just adds up and makes my brain hurt, and I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS FUCKITRY, DAMMIT. How did the notion get started that people in health care are impervious to germs and viruses in the first place? Sure, we develop some immunity to bugs over time, and while we appreciate being viewed as some sort of mythical creature with super human abilities, let me assure you, we are not magical flying fucking glittercorns and we get sick just like everyone else. Trust me, I have the inflamed tonsils and sweaty shirt to prove it.

So, with that, next time you’re at a doctor’s office and you find yourself coughing up the contents of your lungs into the face of the doctor or their assistant, just remember, THEY ARE JUDGING YOU FOR BEING AN INCONSIDERATE DICK.

“Please, be a doll and cover your fucking mouth”*~ every health care worker, ever.

The End.

*please disregard if you are not an inconsiderate dick or if you don’t have arms.

6 responses

  1. flyingplatypi

    I would never be able to work with sick people… I’m too much on the lookout for the Zombie Apocalypse. Every symptom would be zombie virus and thus ending with a head shot.



    October 20, 2013 at 6:49 pm

  2. I totally high fived my computer screen. Also, fuckitry is my new favorite word.

    October 20, 2013 at 7:21 pm

  3. My immune system totally couldn’t handle dealing with the public….especially the sick public.

    People are incredibly rude though. I glare at people on the train to work that sneeze or cough and don’t cover their mouths. And then better yet, use the hand they just used to block that sneeze and hold onto the handrail. Ack! I want to throw hand sanitizer at them.

    October 22, 2013 at 8:30 am

  4. Dude, I totally just high fived my monitor at work and I don’t even care because I was laughing too hard not to give it up. Plus, I’m staying at my desk all day and reading funny shit because there’s currently like 6 people here who are hacking and gacking into their freakin hands and then opening all of the doors and touching all of the things! It’s called your elbow people, cough.into.the.crook.of.your.elbow. This is medically accurate advice, right?

    October 23, 2013 at 9:17 am

  5. I know someone who is in ICU right now with West Nile Virus– I mean, how does that even happen? You can’t get that by putting something that’s 8 inches in your mouth, right?

    October 24, 2013 at 9:41 pm

  6. “AMMIRIGHT Ladies?” That made me laugh so loudly that my colleagues gathered around my computer screen to see what all the fuss was about. Nice one.

    January 8, 2014 at 3:46 am

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