Kiestering Bowling Balls and Ponytails. Alternate title, “Please Help Us Name Our Cat”
Hi! I’m back. Sort of.
Technically I never went anywhere. I’ve just been absent from the magical land of Blog due to having my head wedged firmly up Santa’s rectum.
Well, okay, that’s not entirely true, for a few reasons: one, if my head was actually up anyone’s ass, I would suffocate and die rendering me incapable of writing this, two: my head would never fit up anyone’s ass. It’s just not anatomically possible* and three: I have done nothing festive for the holiday season to render me “busy with holiday things”. Even still, I have just been absurdly busy lately, and by no means have I added any extra anything to my life. I think this time of year is by nature full of extra mundane chaos because Christmas is an asshole.
*I have no desire to be proven wrong on this, so please, for the love of everything, NO LINKS TO SOMEONE KIESTERING A BOWLING BALL. Thank you.
It’s true. No tree has been put up. No lights adorning the outside of our squatting nest. I haven’t even purchased a single present for any of the important folk in my life. Before you judge me, I did find this Frosty the Snowman statue thing that my dad gave me after he found it by a dumpster a while back and it’s now penetrating our living room with festiveness SO THERE.
So what has been keeping me busy? Well a few things:
1. The war on lice continues.
In a previous post, I talk about my kids bringing home nasty little fornicating parasites in their hair. Unfortunately, this has been an ongoing process that has consumed a lot of time, money, and sanity for the past two months. This is largely my youngest child’s fault. Observe:
This is an actual photo of my child. I’m sure you see the dilemma.
If not, then LOOK AT HER FUCKING HAIR. It has been next to impossible getting it thoroughly coated in pesticide and pulling the fine tooth nit comb through. Sadly, I had to cut off all of her beautiful locks with kitchen scissors as a last ditch effort to get control of this issue (then again by my dear hair dresser gal pal when it became apparent that I suck at hair). Now she has a much more manageable fro, so hopefully it’ll keep those blood sucking bastards at bay. If not, then I’m going to get all V for Vendetta on those mother fuckers and shave her head.
The interesting thing about having louse in the house (see what I did there) is that it’s a lot like being pregnant. Once people catch wind of it, they are up in your shit with advice and treating you like you lack common sense. So before you post a comment telling me what I should do keep in mind:
1. I love you and thank you
2. There’s a good chance I’ve already done that
3. Please don’t
To give you an idea of what I have been doing so far:
1. Classic over the counter lice shampoo
2. Classic over the counter nit combing gel (along with several torturous combing sessions)
3. Classic over the counter linen and upholstery anti-blood sucker spray
4. Stuffed animal quarantining
5. Washed all the things
6. Repeated steps 1-5 FIVE FUCKING TIMES
7.Formed an alliance with the Dark Lord of the Underworld (no, not Carl)
7a. Sold my soul to said Dark Lord after being promised a bug free existence
8. Gave the lice a firm talking to
10. Got really drunk and cried about it one night
11. Hugged a tree and thanked it for all of its oxygen, because why not
12. Hired a monkey to pick them out and eat them
Alright, I’m kidding on that last one. I wish I had that kind of money and resources. The good news is it looks like all of my efforts are FINALLY paying off as one of my doctor co-workers gave her the “all clear for now” stamp of approval. Though I will probably keep doing a few of the above things for a little while longer just as a precaution (and steps 7, 10, and 11 just for fun).
2. We have a new fur-baby
Meet our new kitty:
She is painfully cute. So cute that I can’t NOT stop what I am doing to talk like a froo-froo poofy asshole to her every time I see her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a name yet, since no one in the house can agree on what it should be. I love the names “Prue”,* “Bast the Almighty Blood Drinker” and “Potato”, but nobody likes those names ’cause they’re jerks.
* This is a combination of “Prim” and “Rue” from The Hunger Games, because I’m nerding the fuck out over those books right now
3. I’ve been working on more poses for that photo thing I’m doing next month
If you’re new to my nonsense, I am having boudoir pictures done and I suck horribly at being sexy and having my pictures taken. I have been relentlessly scouring the internet for help and inspiration so that come photo time, I’ll be ready to whip out the sexy so hard that it hits people in the face.
Here’s a few more that I’ve nailed:
I have more shit to write, but speaking of busy, I have to go do domestic shit now. So THE END.
Oh, before you go, please help us name the fur baby!
I’ve listed some of my favorites, as well as some that are liked by Caveman and my kids: