Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Kiestering Bowling Balls and Ponytails. Alternate title, “Please Help Us Name Our Cat”

Hi! I’m back. Sort of.
Technically I never went anywhere. I’ve just been absent from the magical land of Blog due to having my head wedged firmly up Santa’s rectum.
Well, okay, that’s not entirely true, for a few reasons: one, if my head was actually up anyone’s ass, I would suffocate and die rendering me incapable of writing this, two: my head would never fit up anyone’s ass. It’s just not anatomically possible* and three: I have done nothing festive for the holiday season to render me “busy with holiday things”. Even still, I have just been absurdly busy lately, and by no means have I added any extra anything to my life. I think this time of year is by nature full of extra mundane chaos because Christmas is an asshole.

*I have no desire to be proven wrong on this, so please, for the love of everything, NO LINKS TO SOMEONE KIESTERING A BOWLING BALL. Thank you.

It’s true. No tree has been put up. No lights adorning the outside of our squatting nest. I haven’t even purchased a single present for any of the important folk in my life. Before you judge me, I did find this Frosty the Snowman statue thing that my dad gave me after he found it by a dumpster a while back and it’s now penetrating our living room with festiveness SO THERE.

So what has been keeping me busy? Well a few things:

1. The war on lice continues.
In a previous post, I talk about my kids bringing home nasty little fornicating parasites in their hair. Unfortunately, this has been an ongoing process that has consumed a lot of time, money, and sanity for the past two months. This is largely my youngest child’s fault. Observe:

She gets her looks from me.

Looks just like her mamma

This is an actual photo of my child. I’m sure you see the dilemma.
If not, then LOOK AT HER FUCKING HAIR. It has been next to impossible getting it thoroughly coated in pesticide and pulling the fine tooth nit comb through. Sadly, I had to cut off all of her beautiful locks with kitchen scissors as a last ditch effort to get control of this issue (then again by my dear hair dresser gal pal when it became apparent that I suck at hair). Now she has a much more manageable fro, so hopefully it’ll keep those blood sucking bastards at bay.  If not, then I’m going to get all V for Vendetta on those mother fuckers and shave her head.


No, I’m not kidding.

The interesting thing about having louse in the house (see what I did there) is that it’s a lot like being pregnant. Once people catch wind of it, they are up in your shit with advice and treating you like you lack common sense. So before you post a comment telling me what I should do keep in mind:
1. I love you and thank you
2. There’s a good chance I’ve already done that
3. Please don’t

To give you an idea of what I have been doing so far:

1. Classic over the counter lice shampoo
2. Classic over the counter nit combing gel (along with several torturous combing sessions)
3. Classic over the counter linen and upholstery anti-blood sucker spray
4. Stuffed animal quarantining
5. Washed all the things
6. Repeated steps 1-5 FIVE FUCKING TIMES
7.Formed an alliance with the Dark Lord of the Underworld (no, not Carl)
7a. Sold my soul to said Dark Lord after being promised a bug free existence
8. Gave the lice a firm talking to
9. Mayonnaise
10. Got really drunk and cried about it one night
11. Hugged a tree and thanked it for all of its oxygen, because why not
12. Hired a monkey to pick them out and eat them

Alright, I’m kidding on that last one. I wish I had that kind of money and resources. The good news is it looks like all of my efforts are FINALLY paying off as one of my doctor co-workers gave her the “all clear for now” stamp of approval. Though I will probably keep doing a few of the above things for a little while longer just as a precaution (and steps 7, 10, and 11 just for fun).

2. We have a new fur-baby

Meet our new kitty:

Oh hai.

Oh hi.

She is painfully cute. So cute that I can’t NOT stop what I am doing to talk like a froo-froo poofy asshole to her every time I see her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a name yet, since no one in the house can agree on what it should be. I love the names “Prue”,* “Bast the Almighty Blood Drinker” and “Potato”, but nobody likes those names ’cause they’re jerks.
* This is a combination of “Prim” and “Rue” from The Hunger Games, because I’m nerding the fuck out over those books right now

3. I’ve been working on more poses for that photo thing I’m doing next month
If you’re new to my nonsense, I am having boudoir pictures done and I suck horribly at being sexy and having my pictures taken. I have been relentlessly scouring the internet for help and inspiration so that come photo time, I’ll be ready to whip out the sexy so hard that it hits people in the face.
Here’s a few more that I’ve nailed:

The “OMG I’m trying to ride this bike but I keep doing it wrong plz help” pose


The, "Boy, I sure hope I don't get surprise butt sex from a train right now" pose

The, “Boy, I sure hope I don’t get surprise butt sex from a pigeon right now” pose


The, "I like to eat grass with my legs over my head" pose

The, “Over-Under Face Plant To Eat  The Grass” pose


The "Tee-Hee I'm making a pretend poop in this pool!" pose

The “Tee-Hee I’m making a pretend poop right now” pose

And finally,

The "Studies show that one out of every four women experience urinary discomfort and ponytails while standing next to chairs. If you or a loved one are currently experiencing these things, please consult the internet and not an actual doctor" pose

The “Studies show that one out of every four women experience urinary discomfort and ponytails while standing next to chairs. If you or a loved one are currently experiencing these things, please grab the crotch and consult the internet” pose

I have more shit to write, but speaking of busy, I have to go do domestic shit now. So THE END.

Oh, before you go, please help us name the fur baby!

I’ve listed some of my favorites, as well as some that are liked by Caveman and my kids:

26 responses

  1. Diandra

    First, I voted Taco. I had a cat named Taco, and he was awesome until he became a meal for some starving, apparently very quick coyote.
    Secondly, I know you don’t want Lice Advice (see what I did there) but I strongly suggest (read: Fucking do it, or this will only get worse) that you treat your animals with Revolution, a flea/lice topical medication available through your vet. (Your vet did not pay for this endorsement, but it is really the only pet product that deals with Lice. It also deworms. You’re welcome.
    Thirdly, you can just tell people, in regards to your daughter’s balding dome, that she’s playing Natalie Portman’s character in a kids’ production of V. Since we all know this takes an extreme amount of acting talent, they’ll treat her like the next Dougie Howser. Again. You’re welcome!

    December 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    • I didn’t know coyotes liked Mexican food.
      Or… wait. I mean, “sorry about your cat” :(
      And is it just me, or is Natalie Portman hot as fuck with her head shaved?

      December 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

      • Umm… it’s not just you.

        December 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

      • … oh good. :D

        December 17, 2012 at 5:51 pm

  2. I have absolutely no lice advice for you. Somehow with four kids we’ve never had it. Knocking on anything wooden. I think I would curl up in the corner and cry. So just ignore me. And also, Prue.

    December 8, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    • Looks like “Prue” and “Potato” are in the lead right now. Thank the gods.
      Oh yes, there were many tears, and most of them from me. Not counting the horrible encounters with the nit comb for my youngest. Thankfully it looks like they’re under control for the moment. I think it was the firm talking to that did it.

      December 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm

  3. I was going to vote “Prue”, but I voted “Potato” instead. A) because that’s an effing awesome name for a cat, and B) because fads come and go, but cats live for like 15-25 years and shit. Just thought you might get tired of explaining that name after everybody forgets what The Hunger Games are.

    I feel your pain on the fro situation. We’ve never had lice (thank The Easter Bunny!!), but I have already warned my daughter not to catch it “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY” because I will just go straight to the BIC and some aftershave. Done.

    December 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    • I told Caveman that Potato is in the lead so that will most likely wind up being her name whether he likes it or not. Then he reminded me that she is colored more like a sweet potato then a regular potato, so her nickname might be “Yam”.
      I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter what her name is because cats generally don’t give two shits as to what they’re called.

      December 10, 2012 at 1:58 pm

  4. Jo

    I love Potato. My son has hair like your daughter’s so I can imagine what you’re going through…he’s never had lice but with hair like that I’m always expecting a family of fruitbats to fall out of there.

    Those poses are terrible, I love them. In seriousness, I think “playful” is sexy and a lot easier on the model, which makes for a more natural shoot…and props.

    December 9, 2012 at 1:10 am

    • I wonder if I can use Potato as a prop… all sexy photos should have kittens.

      December 10, 2012 at 2:01 pm

  5. I admit I voted Prue, but I’m seeing jeneral insanity’s point on this issue. Plus potato has awesome nickname potential.
    My version of acting sexy would make the ladies in those photos look worthy of playboy centerfolds.

    December 9, 2012 at 2:31 am

    • Those photos could make the “Awkward Playboy Of The Year” edition, maybe..

      December 11, 2012 at 12:10 am

  6. I’m not voting for a name for your cat as I don’t really like cats. Obviously, cats know this and so whenever we are in someones house who has a cat – the damn thing makes straight for my lap and plonks itself there for the duration.

    As far as the photo-shoot goes, if any of the pics are actually of you I will buy a complete set now. Please. Do you take Paypal?

    J ☺

    December 9, 2012 at 6:01 am

    • I do not, but I do take Visa, Master Card, or Discover. Not American Express, because that shit is expensive. If you don’t have any of those, then your soul will do.

      December 11, 2012 at 12:10 am

  7. Those sexy poses were too much for me. If only I could harness such hotness.

    December 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    • OMG IKR?? Especially the Over The Under To Eat The Grass pose. FUCK.

      December 11, 2012 at 12:11 am

  8. Thor the Thunder Dog has multiple names and he answers to all of them. Furface, HEY ASSHOLE, Stop-Licking-Your-Feet… You don’t have to limit yourself to just one. :)

    I voted for Bast just because that cat is way too cute to be a blood drinker, but if you combined all the Prues together I think they’d beat Potato. I don’t know how to help you with the froo-froo poofy asshole speech mannerisms, though, except to suggest Jagermiester. *shrug*

    December 10, 2012 at 2:19 pm

  9. My cat’s name is Potato – shortened from “Squanto of the High Plains,” (I’m not sure how that evolved, so don’t ask,) and he’s awesome except for when he sucks. My other cat is Ramon and she’s a female – we’re not very great at naming cats.
    I second the fabulous nicknames – my Potato gets called Potates and Tater Tot on a regular basis.
    Sorry about the lice. I have no advice other than vodka.

    December 10, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    • Do you ever call him Yam? Because we’re considering that as a nickname, because she’s sweet and what not. Like a sweet potato.

      December 11, 2012 at 12:12 am

      • We do not, because he’s more of an asshole than sweet. We love him anyway, but sweet he is not. However, if your cat isn’t a jerk – I think sweet potato or Yam is fabulous for a cat.

        December 11, 2012 at 9:20 am

  10. My family had lice last year. It was the worst thing ever and it took forever to get rid of it. And just when I thought it was gone, I looked in my rear view mirror whilst driving, and saw one of those fuckers crawling ON MY FOREHEAD!!!! Needless to say, I almost crashed my car.

    It. Was. The. Worst. Thing. Ever.

    I am so sorry for you…

    Hugs! (But not too close, because I don’t want to catch those bastards again.)


    December 10, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    • Holy shit, on your forehead??? I would have crashed the car just on principle.
      I’ve been fortunate not to have any, but I check my shit religiously. And not just on Sundays.

      December 11, 2012 at 12:12 am

  11. We had a massive lice infestation once, that also required the cutting of the hair. My hair was ringlets and down to my bum. We just COULDN’T get rid of the things. And I was so little that I actually burst into tears because my older sis told me they were humping on my head. It turned out that my sis, who has a different mom, wasn’t actually using the shampoo. Her mom was offended that we would “Imply her daughter was dirty” and wasn’t using it on her, so every two weeks when she came to stay…BOOM re-infestation. Fun fact: lice actually prefer people who are clean. So…at least your kids are clean…upside?

    December 11, 2012 at 8:16 am

  12. I personally prefer the “I’m pretending to poop” pose, but WTF is up with the bike one? Seriously?
    I really REALLY wanted to vote for Rainbow Dash (because my own daughter is in the throes of Bronydom right now) but I really like Prue.
    And I refuse to say anything about lice because I’m am notorious for jinxing things, and DO. NOT. WANT.

    December 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

  13. Catkins, you’ve got to call it Catkins. Perfect name for a cat.

    December 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

  14. It's A Dome Life

    I got the impression you wanted Prue. So, Happy New Year! Prue it is.

    Stupid lice.

    December 28, 2012 at 3:53 pm

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