Carl Brutananadilewski, King of the Housethings
Dear Carl Brutananadilewski*,
I’m on to you, shit bag. This whole time you’ve been acting all cute and innocent has just been a ploy to make us believe that you’re a benevolent little creature. Well, I’m not buying into your shit anymore.
Case in point: when we picked you out of the litter your four-legged whore of a mother hatched, I wanted your sweet, innocent little brother, Meatwad*. He was everything you could want in a kitty. Adorable. Cuddly. Orange. Somehow, you’d convinced Boyfriend that we should take you instead because it was impractical to have two ginger cats and that I would be a horrible girlfriend if I didn’t agree. I went along with it because I’m a supportive, loving woman that likes making the Boyfriend happy (YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME), but I now know that we CAN have two ginger cats in one household and that you’re just a manipulative fuck-stick.
And this whole business with you taking the straws out of our drinks? I wanted to believe that you were concerned about our apparent need to use these strange objects in order to properly ingest fluids and wanted to help break us of such a weird habit. I now know that YOU JUST DON’T WANT US TO HAVE THINGS THAT MAKE US HAPPY. I also know you get some sick sense of satisfaction as you watch me laboriously collect the ones you leave all over the fucking floor. Asshole.
And poor, poor Megatron. He is so hungry, yet you keep stealing his food. I was really hoping that MAYBE you were just worried that he was becoming way too fat because, let’s face it, obesity is a rising concern in our society today and he’s quite the husky fuck, but I now know that its because YOU’RE A GREEDY LITTLE DILL HOLE AND YOU ENJOY WATCHING THINGS SUFFER. Which is probably why you like to chew on our feet while we sleep. You revel in watching us be torn from heavenly slumber just to be woken from the mind-numbing pain inflicted by your incredibly strong jaw and razor sharp teeth. You sick, sick bastard.
You’ll have your time, Carl Brutananadilewski, King of the Housethings. But there will come a day where your reign will be OVER and you’ll be forced into the roll of “nice kitty”. The era of your testicles will come to a tragic end and they will be gone FOREVER.
*These names are from the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force, by the way. I have a horrible time coming up with names for things, so I rely on television and movies. And yes, there was a time when I was charged with the daunting responsibility of naming actual humans. Don’t ask.