Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

WARNING: This post contains a picture of someone with a horrible hair cut. And a nipple.

I need a distraction.

 I have to get a diagnostic mammogram tomorrow and I keep having these horrifying images of my boob getting ripped off in the machine.

I’ll spare you the all of the personal, gory details, but I’ll just say there is an issue with my boob meat that caused my doctor to give me “concerned doctor face” so she wants to make sure my baby-feeder isn’t going to fall off. NOTHING SERIOUS THOUGH. Probably.

gratuitous side boob pic

I’ve never really been one to be afraid of pain or physical discomfort. The prospect of childbirth and all the horror that comes with it didn’t scare me when I was pregnant. I was never nervous or fearful before any of the tattoos and piercing I’ve received (which I learned that both are rather enjoyable experiences, but don’t take my word for it because I’m a fucking weirdo). The thought of other common unpleasantries like getting a shot or taking it in the butt  dental work doesn’t really frighten me either. But this shit? I’M NERVOUS AS ALL HELL.

Aside from my boob getting ripped off, I have these awful mental images of a sudden fire emergency or the clinic being held up by terrorists and I can’t run to safety because my girl-bag is stuck in a machine THAT FLATTENS IT LIKE A FUCKING PANCAKE. Seriously, what kind of bull shit is that? Modern medical advances can save people’s faces that have been ripped off by chimpanzees and naked, crazed black men, but they can’t take inside-my-boob pictures without smashing it like a fucking bug? RIDICULOUS. Mostly. Kind of. Okay, it’s not really all that ridiculous. I’m just whining. It truly is neat that we can do all sorts of inside-our-body pictures using things like radiation and sound waves. BUT STILL. The thought of a robot getting all “HULK SMASH” on my tit makes me a little uncomfortable to say the least.

But, as with shots butt sex dental work all things, I’ll take it like a champ. ‘Cause that’s how I roll and stuff.

SEND GOOD VIBES MY WAY ANYWAYS, ’cause, you NEVER KNOW. The machine could become self-aware right at the moment it touches my fleshy-love hill mountain and try to eat or fondle my boob so hard that it’s forever destroyed. And, you know, THE TERRORISTS. Fuck those guys.

The end.

“Oh, sweet chocolate baby jesus, please don’t let the machine eat her boob. And kill all the terrorists. K thanxbye”.

18 responses

  1. God, I love you. I’ll be thinking of your boob(s?!) tomorrow. OK, that was awkward… or was it?!?!? HAHAHAHAHA! Hoping for an update on your funbag ASAP. Hugs!

    July 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    • THANK YOU.. I’ll probably upload the images on here. That way I can say that I do, in fact, have a boob picture on the internet.

      July 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

      • Bwahahaha — you rebel. DO IT! :) Good luck tomorrow, girlie.

        July 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

  2. I’m loving this blog. You’re freakin hilarious.

    Also, I’ll keep your poor boobies in my mind tomorrow… In a total non sexual platonic prayerful way.

    And on that note… good luck!

    July 1, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    • Even if it was in a sexy, non-platonic way, I encourage you to think about my boobs anyways.

      July 3, 2012 at 2:09 pm

  3. Jo

    Try not to punch the boobie-squisher technician person…but if you do, please take a picture for your follow-up post. I hope everything turns out ok!

    July 2, 2012 at 12:23 am

    • THANK YOU… I almost punched her, but not because of the test, but because she was dumb.

      July 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

  4. LOL! I don’t look forward to the day I am of the age when mammograms become a regular thing. I’m sort of an anxious person and I’ve been dreading mamograms since the day my mom told me what they were and how they worked when I was like 16. Sending happy ta-ta thoughts your way!

    July 2, 2012 at 8:40 am

    • Thanks! My tatas were happy just reading that :D

      July 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

  5. Meh. They’re not that bad. The one I had when I was 25 (when my boobs were young and perky) hurt a lot more than the one I had at 40 (when they had been abused by nursing and gravity). It’s uncomfortable, yes, but not traumatic. Doesn’t hurt any more than the tattoo, it’s just a different kind of pain. And in a somewhat awkward location.

    Buck up, little camper! You’ll be fine.

    July 2, 2012 at 9:23 am

  6. Crap I’m late…today’s the 3rd (I think…shit what day IS it??) and I suspsect you’ve completed your tit torture. I hope all is well, that the machine didn’t get too fresh, and that your boobs didn’t get stuck in the squashed position! Awkward…

    July 3, 2012 at 7:28 am

    • Had to be rescheduled on account of the tech being a fucktard. I did get to experience the joy of sitting in a busy hallway wearing nothing but a backwards gown and a smile while getting hit on by a sweaty, large man waiting to get an xray. So. Much. Fun.

      July 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

  7. Just think, afterwards you can buy all those rectangular shaped bras you’ve been lusting after!

    July 3, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    • YES! Though there were some upside down triangle bras I’ve been eyeballing for some time now.

      July 4, 2012 at 12:49 pm

  8. I wiggle my fingers towards wherever you are and send you good boobie vibes!

    July 4, 2012 at 6:16 pm

  9. Pingback: SPIDER SEX! Alternate title: Fun With Windows Paint! « Cerebral Milkshake

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