Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

FYI: Tampons make a horrible force field


I’ve been a Chatty-Cathy magnet today.

This makes sense because I’m in a bad mood. I swear to fuck, the greater my shitty mood that renders me not up for idle conversation, THE MORE PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO ME. Case in point: I had to abruptly leave work for an emergency tampon run* Naturally, the one and only lane available at the grocery store had about five people ahead of me. Were their carts full? ABSOLUTELY. Did they have coupons? OF COURSE. So as I’m standing there, giant box of super sized vagina fun sticks in hand, praying gently to my uterus that it will spare my panties JUST THIS ONCE as the ones I had on were really fucking fancy (For some reason, god and my girl parts do not want me to have nice things) I notice the woman in front of me looking in my general direction as she was having a very loud conversation on her phone. She ended the call, and THEN IT HAPPENED: she made eye contact.

FUCK. She had “that look”. That, “I’m going to talk at this clearly uncomfortable woman behind me” look. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, but I KNEW in the depths of all that I am that I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO HER.

First attempt to ward off conversation: I match her eye contact and warily raise an eyebrow. She responds by parting her lips to start forming words.
My next move: SCOWL. Give her a semi-stink eye. IT WAS TO NO AVAIL. She is now drawing a breath to MAKE THE WORDS COME OUT OF HER FACE. Fuck. I knew it would only be a matter of nanoseconds before the inevitable lady-babble would happen. I momentarily entertain the idea of pretending I was deaf, but instead, I resorting to hiding my face behind my tampon box. DID NOT WORK. She already saw me.

Woman: “Do you know much about flying?”
Peering out from behind the tampon box “Um… I know I’m physically incapable of it.”
Woman (slightly cocking head to one side): “Oh, no. I meant in airplanes.”
Me: “…. no. I’ve never flown in one before”
Woman: “Oh? How come?”
WHY DIDN’T I LIE: “…………………….. umm……”
Woman: “blah blah blah blah something about her daughter needing something to fly on an airplane and some other things”
Me: *shrug* “I, err, ummm…. uhhhhh….”
Woman: “OMG I found a scorpion this morning”
Me: *adjusting to the sudden shift in conversation* “yeah, that happens sometimes in Arizona”
Woman: “I’ve only been here a year and it’s the fourth one I’ve had to kill. Was stung twice last week!”
Okay, we’re already balls deep in conversation, I may as well play along: “Weird. I’ve been here fourteen years and I’ve only seen one and it was dead already.”
Woman: “OH neat, and so blah blah blah puppies blah blah airplanes blah blah hot tacos ect ect…”

And she went on. And on. And on. If I didn’t know any better, she was just blurting out random shit that popped into her head. And she kept on while I made my purchase and forced me into a “I’m in a hurry and I don’t know how to politely end this uncomfortable situation so I’m just going to say ‘good luck with all of those things!’ and book the fuck on out” situation. And I did just that.

*I would apologize for the TMI, but it would be an empty apology because deep down, I don’t really care. I’m all about keepin’ it real, you see. Plus, explaining the reason I had to go to the store sheds some light as to why my mood was in the shitter to start, so YOU’RE WELCOME.

I don’t really like talking to people all that much. At all.

With exceptions for really awesome people. Or when I’m drunk in a really good mood.

Mild shyness aside, I find interacting with others to be overall annoying. The reasons for this are countless, but primarily:

1. Most people fucking suck at listening and this makes me not want to talk to them
2. People think I’m weird  Most people seem kind of dumb and this makes me not want to talk to them
3. Most people like to interrupt and this makes me want to stab them in the genitals not want to talk to them.
4. People decide to talk at me during times when talking isn’t really a convenient thing to do (LIKE, WHEN I’M VISIBLY FUCKING BUSY)

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that I am “better” than anyone else or “superior” in any way.  I possess a general concern and appreciation for fellow humans. I just greatly limit my interactions with them as much as possible. It takes a great amount of energy and focus to muscle through a conversation, and a lot of the time, it’s not worth it and I walk away mentally exhausted and a little sad with the feeling that something was taken from me that I will never get back.

Mind you, this does not pertain to a venting friend or when Boyfriend goes off on a tangent. I’m talking about STRANGERS IN PUBLIC PLACES. Like the grocery store. Or waiting rooms. Or when I have my fucking headphones on and busting my ass at the gym. I WISH I WAS KIDDING about the last one, but it happens all the fucking time, which is incredibly shitty. Seriously, if you are a person who strikes up mundane conversation with someone who is pounding it out on a treadmill with headphones on, THEN YOU FUCKING SUCK AND YOU PROBABLY KICK PUPPIES FOR FUN WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING. Asshole.

“OMG, do you have a vagina? I have a vagina, too! We have so much in common! It’s a hot day today, isn’t it? Don’t you just hate penises and having your period? I know I do! Working out is so much fun! Don’t you love working out? Now that we’re BFFs, I’m going to rip ass and look at you as though you did it so people won’t think its me! OMG, PUPPIES!”

The End.

12 responses

  1. You should have told her that the reason you’ve never flown is because you hear that random strangers on flights like to try and start up conversations with you while you’re reading, sleeping, or minding your own business.

    It’s like people have a pissy mood magnet and feel the need to try and remedy it. Assholes.

    June 22, 2012 at 7:43 am

    • Ha! Right? “I’m afraid of flying because I hear that airplanes are filled with people like you. And terrorists.”

      June 22, 2012 at 1:57 pm

      • “but mostly people like you.”

        June 22, 2012 at 2:30 pm

  2. People almost never strike up conversations with me, thanks Cats. But I think it’s because I have an angry/sad-looking face. The only time strangers start talking to me is to say stupid things like, “Smile!” or “Having a bad day?” Idiots.

    June 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    • OMG… have you ever gotten the, “Cheer up! Life isn’t that bad!” and instead of punching them in the face you say “Oh, I’m just getting back from my parents’ funeral and my doctor called and said I have brain cancer and need to go to the office for a follow up, but I can’t make it because I just lost my job and no longer have health insurance so I have to apply for a job while I’m here getting rice and beans for my five children.” or some other devastating shit like that in hopes to scar those assholes into minding their own business?
      Yeah, me neither, BUT IT’S TEMPTING.

      June 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

  3. Jo

    You’re hilarious! Love your blog.

    June 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm

  4. NayNay

    1) I’m totally stealing “vagina fun sticks.”
    2) My girl parts do not allow me to have nice things, either. Sucks.
    3) Love your blog! You’ve got a new fan.

    June 26, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    • 1) I highly encourage everyone to steal “vagina fun sticks” and use it in a sentence as often as possible.
      2) From. Day. One. My upside down triangle part has been destroying my life.
      3. I AM A FAN OF FANS! People fans and ACTUAL fans. You know, the ones that spin around and circulate the air? Whoever came up with that shit is a fucking genius.

      June 26, 2012 at 6:00 pm

  5. You called the tampons “fun sticks.” BWAHAHAHA!

    I’m totally with you at the gym. I hate when people strike up a conversation with me at the gym: “I’m only here to sweat and burn calories for more dessert later, leave me alone.”

    June 28, 2012 at 7:07 am

  6. Wow, it’s I could have written this exact experience verbatim. Only I never make it home in time to save Carrie (my cute undies) from the evil kids at prom (my uterus).

    July 7, 2012 at 8:55 am

  7. Pingback: Marmalade, STUFF and the occasional bag of salad « Cerebral Milkshake

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