Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Reasons Why My Cat Megatron Is An Asshole

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a cat named Megatron.

Hi. My name is Megatron.

I may have also mentioned, he is an asshole.

When I tell people this in real life, they tend to not believe me, like, “how can a cat be an asshole, its just an animal, lol” or “your cat is orange, and it’s a commonly known fact that orange cats are more sweet natured than unicorn-kitten hybrids on ecstasy”.
No. He’s a dick, and here’s why:

1. He tries to convince others that he is a dog.
He does this by playing fetch. Seriously. He will bring me small, rubber toys and whine until I throw them for him to catch (usually when I’m super busy, which is another dick-head manuver). Then, the fucker brings it back. Like a dog. I do not understand his motivations for doing this, but it’s possible he may be trying to distract anyone close by from the fact that he is an ASSHOLE CAT.
He also barks and won’t bury his poop. Also trademark dog behaviors.

2. When he’s not acting like a dog, he’s acting like a cat who wants to MURDER
Typical scenario: I’ll be half asleep, stumbling around with a freshly poured mug of coffee hotter than your mom’s vagina baking in the desert sun, when he’ll dart in front of me in a quick, perfectly timed way that’ll have me tripping over my feet, thus, spilling scorching hot liquid on my hands and what not. I do know that running in front of humans is a normal thing for cats to do, but I swear, he looks so disappointed when I don’t fall, like I just ruined the punchline of a very funny joke or something.
Plus, I can prove he’s a malicious asshole. Just look at what he sent me in Draw Something:

Did I mention the time he tried to smother me with a pillow? Yeah, that too.

3. When he’s not being a murderous asshole, he’s being a creepy uncle.
When his whore-bag sister had a litter of six kittens, he took on the caring, loving uncle role. He sat by the little hidey hole I made for her when she was giving birth and kept her company. When they were born, he would sit outside and hiss and swipe at anything that came close to the pile of furry newborns. Now that they are toddling around and getting into stuff, he’s always right by them, making sure they aren’t getting into trouble.
He also likes to hold them down and lick their privates (or, as Boyfriend calls them, their “publics”, which is much more accurate since they let their junk and vagies hang out like the shameless freaks they are).
They complain and try to get away from him, but the more they resist, the more adament he gets about licking their genitals. I DON’T CARE WHAT NON-HUMAN SPECIES YOU ARE. That shit is creepy as fuck.

4. When he’s not being a creepy uncle, he’s drawing all over my walls and rubbing himself to pictures of Justin Bieber

I also caught him listening to Nickelback, but that's too painful to write about

Also? I think he’s RACIST.

The End.

10 responses

  1. Love the fact that your cat is named Megatron. And have you read the Oatmeal’s blog on how you can tell your cat is trying to kill you? If not, go read it now and consider yourself warned.

    April 17, 2012 at 5:01 am

    • The Oatmeal OWNS humor… I love that strip. That particular one is quite informative, for sure.

      April 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

  2. I am not a cat person, so ALL cats are dicks in my book, but this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!

    April 17, 2012 at 5:30 am

    • I just told Megatron that his assholeness made someone laugh, and his head got HUGE (and, he/we thanks you). Hopefully he’ll start shifting from asshole to comedian :)

      April 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

  3. Pingback: Sad ponies and kittens wearing bow ties. Alternate title: Ummmm…… « Cerebral Milkshake

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  6. doodoomamajuju

    My cat Ninja loves to run around the house at death defying speeds to rid her “publics” of dingle-berries. Which means I have cat dingle-berries in random places throughout my house. My other cat Robocop enjoys raping the shit out of Ninja. Their relationship…is…complicated.

    September 3, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    • Allz I know is that your name is Doodoomamajuju, and that is AWESOME.

      September 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

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