Ham Jesus And Sometimes Pie
Happy Easter, the Internet!
I do hope everyone is enjoying the day. While Easter is my second favorite holiday, I opted to work today because I like money more than I like eating ham and chocolate with my family (also because I’m a heathen who views Easter as the ultimate sex holiday, and seeing as how not a lot of folks are on board with that, it’s just easier to avoid social gatherings on this day all together). I will say that I am actually a little bummed that I’m not at home smiling and nodding into my mashed potatoes while pretending to be interested in a full recap of the three hour sermon my good, wholesome family attended this morning. This is another “food holiday”, and the fat girl in me sure loves any day where I can openly display my ability to ingest horrifying quantities of meat and biscuits in one sitting.
“OMG, Cerebral Milkshake, how dare you say the “F” word! That’s a very insensitive and it hurts the Internet’s feelings!.”
RELAX, it’s cool.. I used to be incredibly overweight once, so I’m totally allowed to use the “F” word. I mean, shit, what other words should I use? Chubby? Rotund? Packed with adipose? There really is no graceful way to say it, and one does not simply ignore the inner fat girl. SHE NEEDS LOVE TOO. She also needs pizza. Lots and lots of pizza…. and cookies…. and sometimes pie…. oh fuck yeah… pie….
Speaking of pie and cookies, I’ve been really hyper aware of this remaining five or twenty pounds that’s been clinging for dear life to my ass and thighs lately. It’s been bugging me enough to the point where seeing myself naked in the mirror causes a visceral , “this is such fucking bullshit, what the fuck” reaction from my brain. I suppose I could take the easy route and just “accept myself for the way I am please pass the Entenmann’s” or some shit, but that’s lame. Believe it or not, I’m one of those unpopular weirdos who not only doesn’t mind eating vegetables and engaging in vigorous cardio, but thoroughly fucking enjoys it. What I don’t enjoy is having to surrender the glass of vodka I like to have after particularly long and treacherous work days, and also that in order to lose weight, it’s required that I become a food snob for a bit which tends to make people uncomfortable and even downright not like you. No joke, it is mind blowing how offended some people get when you decline a slice of their delicious banana bread (uhn), and despite explaining the reasons, they assume it’s really because you hate them and will often reply with, “losing weight is terrible, plus one slice isn’t going to kill you, have some right now or we can’t be friends”.
THIS IS FALSE: Banana bread will absolutely kill you if you put enough arsenic in it*, but really what I’m worried about is the fact that I have the sort of metabolism where merely gazing upon a chocolate chip muffin (uhn) for longer than five seconds causes me to gain 5.6 pounds, and that’s the sort of thing that will keep me from achieving my goals.
*Alright, I know, it would technically be the arsenic that kills you and not the banana bread (plus I’m pretty sure my friends wouldn’t poison me, but you never know). Either way, I hate having to explain myself and I don’t understand why “no thanks” isn’t an acceptable response to banana bread.
“Okay, we get it, you want to lose some weight or whatever, but what the fuck does any of this have to do with Easter?”
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, you guys. I went into a completely different direction than I had intended and I’m so far off track that I don’t even remember what the hell I was going to say to begin with. I know it had something to do with rabbits and ham and Jesus and….. mmmmmm…. HAM JESUS….
This entry was posted on April 20, 2014 by bananastick3rs. It was filed under Real Talk, Sloppy Posts and was tagged with cookies, Easter, food, ham jesus, i just said fat oh no, rabbit demon, sex holiday, that makes me moist.