Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Kumbaya, Motherfucker.

Dear 2013,
Your days are numbered, Fucker.

You have crashed this lady party for the last time. No more will you show up at my house hammered and crying over your daddy issues just to puke on my floor and pass out FACE DOWN ASS UP on my bed. In just a day or two, I will hang my new calendar on my wall, forever kicking your free-loading, soul-sucking ass to the curb.

I know, I’m being harsh. Don’t get me wrong, we had some good times. We saw some great shows, had some laughs, celebrated the completion of my thirtieth year of existence in this bat shit crazy thing called life…. We muscled through my moderate claustrophobia and did sensory deprivation tanks. WE DISCOVERED MOTHERFUCKING SUSHI, and that’s better than finding a one-hundred dollar bill or finding Jesus*.

*(I know I know, I’M KIDDING. Few things are more glorious than finding money. But seriously, sushi is delicious and quite possibly the very thing powerful enough to fill the gaping void in what’s left of my soul).

Despite our good times, you’ve been awful. You have sucked the life out of me and kept me in a ceaseless loop of stress and feelings. You’ve done some awful things to a lot of my loved ones. YOU’VE BEEN A GIANT CRAPNADO THAT HAS RESULTED IN A LOT OF SHITASTROPHE IN PEOPLE’S LIVES, and we’re sick of your shit. Hell, I don’t even celebrate New Years, but this time around I’M WEARING A FANCY PARTY HAT AND SINGING KUMBAYA WHILE DRINKING BLOOD or whatever it is people do at midnight, just for the sake of rejoicing your departure.

Because fuck you, 2013. Fuck you in your dirty whore butthole. Have fun drowning in your tears when everyone throws out their calendars and moves on.

                         As for you, 2014? BRING IT.

BRING IT

THE END.

What say you, Reader? Are you ecstatic/sad/indifferent/potato as fuck for the new year?

3 responses

  1. (you make me really want to expand my hyperbolic and fantastical curse word game)…usually I could not give a flying fiddly fuckwad about NYE. The Winter Solstice is cooler, and plus my birthday is like a week after NYE so shouldn’t all of our rebirth bullshit actually fall on the day we were birthed? I automatically feel like shunning anything that feels remotely like a team effort, most especially when it involves something that seems to go out of it’s way to fuck people into thinking they have to stratosphere the shit out their enjoyment or else they’re doing it wrong. But I think this year I might have to yell Kumbaya, Motherfuckers *i’ll add a TM in sign language* just to see if anyone notices. Sorry about all your shit in 2013, and I hope a kitten flavored unicorn rides into your parade on a glittery moped and dishes you sushi to ring in 2014.

    December 30, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    • Eh, it’s all good… my year was a pile of sleeping kittens compared to what a lot of my friends and family had to go through, but was just a rough one all around. And I’m with you on the solstice and birthday being way cooler than the western calendar holidays… makes more sense that the actual new year falls on the day you were launched from a baby cannon into life, you know? Not a whole lot of folks get that, but they certainly seem to relate to giving 2013 a giant ‘fuck you’. Cheers to celebratory things!

      December 30, 2013 at 1:10 pm

  2. Halle-fucking-leujah. That is all.

    December 30, 2013 at 7:15 pm

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