Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Halloween, you sneaky fuck. Now I have to get ready for Santa after I’m done eating the rest of this person.

Hi!

Remember when I was sick with a virus in my last post?

Turns out it was no ordinary virus. I had ingested a sort of airborne pathogen  that makes your skin rot off your body and kills your brain function. It also makes you aggressively try to eat people, which is quite detrimental to my already semi-fragile social skills. PEOPLE DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU MUNCH ON THEM WHEN THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION.

Yep… I’ve turned into a zombie and now you all are nothing but a bunch of walking donuts to me.

Well, fuck, there goes what's left of my hopes and dreams.

Well, fuck, there goes what’s left of my hopes and dreams. Sorry for chewing on your face.

Just kidding. I didn’t turn into a zombie. While it’s fun to think about and also gives me an excuse to own more than four machetes, literal* zombies don’t exist and the ‘zombie apocalypse’ is probably not going to happen.

*I say literal because figurative ones are everywhere. Empty, brainless folks shuffling about but instead of ‘brraaaiiinnns” they’re all, “wwwiiiiii-ffiiiiiii”.
But that’s a post for a later day.

While this is a legit picture of yours truly, that’s just me when I first get up in the morning latex and toilet paper hanging off my face, not peeling dead flesh, as I was a last-minute zombie this year for Halloween.

I am sort of bummed. Halloween is my favorite time of year, and it was a sneaky little fuck this time around, so I never really had the time to bask in it’s dark, creepy goodness. I should have taken a hint from the white, sparkle-cap wearing suburbinites mainlining pumpkin spiced lattes in the streets that Autumn was upon us and that it was time to get ready for my favorite holiday, but I was somehow oblivious this year. I EVEN HAD A COSTUME PLANNED OUT, but the only way I could have required the additional time in my life that would have been required to do would have been to sacrifice a small, adorable creature to the Time Gods in a ritualistic fashion and, sad to say, I’m fresh out of kittens.

So, I settled for a run of the mill zombie this year. I will say, it was rather fun to do and I thoroughly enjoyed scaring the fuck out of the people at the gas station we stopped at while on the way to a costumed event with Caveman. I know it’s not nice to scare people, but in my defense, I am an asshole.

Want to know how to get this look for next year? It’s easy!

GATHER THESE ITEMS:

1. Liquid Latex
2. A lot of toilet paper (separated so it’s single ply)
3. Makeup (I used black and white creme makeup mixed with a little splash of my regular foundation)
4. Disposable makeup sponges
5. Black and grey eyeshadow
6. Makeup brushes that you don’t care about
7. Fake blood (find a recipe online because the stuff you buy in tubes looks sort of cheesy)
8. Two shots of whiskey

Step one:

Take a shot of whiskey

Step two:

Assemble all of the other things on your face in a way that makes you look like a yucky zombie

Step three:

Down remaining shot of whiskey.

The end.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

What did you readers do for Halloween? Was it magical as fuck? ARE YOU ALL BRACING YOURSELVES FOR SANTA BECAUSE HE’LL  BE COMING IN YOUR CHIMNEY SOON.

Err, um… yeah.

7 responses

  1. While I didn’t dress up for Halloween, last night my daughter and I did celebrate by going to a paintball zombie hunt (which was AWESOME!!!) and then came home and watched “Shaun of the Dead” and most of “Paranormal Activity 3″. Although that didn’t end well. “Shaun” was fine, but “Paranormal” made me motion sick so I ended up puking til I got a nosebleed. Awesome.
    Andrea dressed up though. Twice. She wore this to school for the day, and then switched into her trick or treat costume for the evening.

    November 2, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    • I went as the sexiest thing I could think of….my fiance. Which is to say I went as a sideburned, goateed trucker/mechanic/redneck. I even fooled my own mother with the pictures. Trick or treating with our son confused a few little old ladies my son was trying to get candy from. And I was confused for a performer at the drag show we went to. I think it was my favorite costume ever. Too bad I was too wasted to wake him with a surprise-you’re-sucking-your-own-weiner bj when I got home.

      November 2, 2013 at 2:19 pm

  2. Kat

    I was a sexy hot dog. pic.twitter.com/xrxpSjCBjK

    November 2, 2013 at 2:56 pm

  3. I totally have a girl crush on you after this post. I want to be a zombie for whatever the next holiday is. (Veterans Day… bad choice, very bad).

    November 3, 2013 at 6:29 pm

  4. flyingplatypi

    I talked my boss thru making himself a zombie. It’s amazing how many household items can look like decaying flesh!!!

    You look awesome!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    November 6, 2013 at 7:17 pm

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