I will twerk on a corpse and all over this awkward situation
Have we all recovered from the earth-shattering “Billy Ray Cyrus Didn’t Love Me As A Child” display put on by Hannah Montana last week?
Fuck, I hope so.. it was super hilarious at first, but then people were just going on, and on, and on about it and the memes that followed became repetitive and mediocre at best. I really could have cared less about the whole ordeal, honestly. The only real shocking thing she did was use a foam finger in ways that I never thought of, thus putting my sexual imagination to shame.
“But, Cerebral, you have daughters, aren’t you concerned about how such a display may influence their behavior?”
Yes, I certainly have daughters, and that’s the sort of activity I would not want them to engage in, but they don’t know who Miley Cyrus is because they listen to Slayer. Also, we didn’t watch the VMA’s because we lack cable and MTV sucks.
You know what concerned me the most? THAT BIZARRE SHIT SHE WAS DOING WITH HER TONGUE. It was weird as fuck and I thought that it could have been a sign that she was losing control of her facial muscles and in need of medical attention.
I’m also fairly certain that her arrythmic, white-girl ass shaking was not twerking. I could be mistaken, as my knowledge of modern rad dance moves is slightly below average at best, but it looked more like she was just bending over and wiggling her cooter at the audience. Again, I could be wrong.. I, myself, am not a twerker, though I sort of wish I was. Not because it would help me feel sexy or because it’s a skill I wish to add it to my resume or anything, but because IT WOULD COME IN HANDY. Confused? THINK ABOUT IT:
Scenario: You are at the grocery store and you need to buy some broccoli. A lonely, random stranger in the produce area strikes up a casual conversation with you: “Hi! You need to buy some broccoli? I like broccoli. I eat it raw a lot but sometimes I cook it and add it as a side to my dinner. I had pork chops yesterday. It was pretty good except it needed some salt and I was all out so I had to just add extra pepper. So, are you single? Have any kids? WHERE DO YOU LIVE AND ARE YOU CURRENTLY MENSTRUATING??”
You could always answer his questions or be a total bitch and tell him to eat shit, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, POP ‘DEM CHEEKS ON DAT BROCCOLI, YO. It’s very likely that he will become startled and perhaps a little frightened and trip over himself as he backs away, causing him to hit his head and knock himself unconscious, giving you an opportunity to get your veg and make your get away.
THIS CAN APPLY TO MANY SITUATIONS IN YOUR LIFE. Is your friend fishing for compliments on her ugly baby and you don’t know what to do? TWERK AT THAT UGLY BABY TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF HAVING TO LIE. Got busted falling asleep during a sermon at church? GET UP ON DAT PEW AND DO A MAD TWERK FOR JESUS. Taking a leisurely stroll through the park and come across a zombie? SPOOKY BOOTY BOUNCE ON DAT CORPSE.
Err, umm… yeah.. maybe that’s not such a great idea. If you encounter a zombie, you should run away or shoot it instead of clapping your cheeks against it’s rotting flesh.
Alas, I will never conquer the fine art of twerking, because I’m white as fuck (seriously, I’m a Tupperwear party and a pair of Crocs away from being clear, that’s how white I am). Also, you need a round booty to be a twerk-master, and my white-lady ass is made of squares. It’s probably just as well. A skill like that would probably get me into trouble, what with twerking on babies and what not. Who’s to say I wouldn’t do something really awful, like twerk on your mom’s cat or on a cop to get myself out of a ticket? Those sorts of things never end well.
Speaking of ending, here is a video of what happens when a white girl twerks because THE END.