Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

I will twerk on a corpse and all over this awkward situation

Hello, Internet.

Have we all recovered from the earth-shattering “Billy Ray Cyrus Didn’t Love Me As A Child” display put on by Hannah Montana last week?

Fuck, I hope so.. it was super hilarious at first, but then people were just going on, and on, and on about it and the memes that followed became repetitive and mediocre at best. I really could have cared less about the whole ordeal, honestly. The only real shocking thing she did was use a foam finger in ways that I never thought of, thus putting my sexual imagination to shame.

“But, Cerebral, you have daughters, aren’t you concerned about how such a display may influence their behavior?”

Yes, I certainly have daughters, and that’s the sort of activity I would not want them to engage in, but they don’t know who Miley Cyrus is because they listen to Slayer. Also, we didn’t watch the VMA’s because we lack cable and MTV sucks.

You know what concerned me the most? THAT BIZARRE SHIT SHE WAS DOING WITH HER TONGUE. It was weird as fuck and I thought that it could have been a sign that she was losing control of her facial muscles and in need of medical attention.

Miley Cyrus doing things

I don’t understand this, was she having a seizure? Licking mayo from a delicious sandwich off her cheek? Hinting that she would like to have a penis in her mouth? SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS BECAUSE IT’S BOTHERING ME

I’m also fairly certain that her arrythmic, white-girl ass shaking was not twerking. I could be mistaken, as my knowledge of modern rad dance moves is slightly below average at best, but it looked more like she was just bending over and wiggling her cooter at the audience. Again, I could be wrong.. I, myself, am not a twerker, though I sort of wish I was. Not because it would help me feel sexy or because it’s a skill I wish to add it to my resume or anything, but because IT WOULD COME IN HANDY. Confused? THINK ABOUT IT:

Scenario: You are at the grocery store and you need to buy some broccoli. A lonely, random stranger in the produce area strikes up a casual conversation with you: “Hi! You need to buy some broccoli? I like broccoli. I eat it raw a lot but sometimes I cook it and add it as a side to my dinner. I had pork chops yesterday. It was pretty good except it needed some salt and I was all out so I had to just add extra pepper. So, are you single? Have any kids? WHERE DO YOU LIVE AND ARE YOU CURRENTLY MENSTRUATING??”

You could always answer his questions or be a total bitch and tell him to eat shit, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, POP ‘DEM CHEEKS ON DAT BROCCOLI, YO. It’s very likely that he will become startled and perhaps a little frightened and trip over himself as he backs away, causing him to hit his head and knock himself unconscious, giving you an opportunity to get your veg and make your get away.

THIS CAN APPLY TO MANY SITUATIONS IN YOUR LIFE. Is your friend fishing for compliments on her ugly baby and you don’t know what to do? TWERK AT THAT UGLY BABY TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF HAVING TO LIE. Got busted falling asleep during a sermon at church? GET UP ON DAT PEW AND DO A MAD TWERK FOR JESUS. Taking a leisurely stroll through the park and come across a zombie? SPOOKY BOOTY BOUNCE ON DAT CORPSE.

"LOL, wut"

“LOL, wut”

Err, umm… yeah.. maybe that’s not such a great idea. If you encounter a zombie, you should run away or shoot it instead of clapping your cheeks against it’s rotting flesh.

Alas, I will never conquer the fine art of twerking, because I’m white as fuck (seriously, I’m a Tupperwear party and a pair of Crocs away from being clear, that’s how white I am). Also, you need a round booty to be a twerk-master, and my white-lady ass is made of squares. It’s probably just as well. A skill like that would probably get me into trouble, what with twerking on babies and what not. Who’s to say I wouldn’t do something really awful, like twerk on your mom’s cat or on a cop to get myself out of a ticket? Those sorts of things never end well.

Speaking of ending, here is a video of what happens when a white girl twerks because THE END.

25 responses

  1. We recorded the award replay show because seeing the reality of what makes people freak out like baboons who just saw jesus is usually pretty funny. Meh, of course it was no big deal really. I mean, she wasn’t very good but just once I want to actually find something shocking behind a twitter controversy. Your kids don’t know who she is because they listen to Slayer? You’re winning at parenting.

    September 6, 2013 at 2:35 am

    • I KNOW… she wasn’t really doing anything new or that hasn’t already been done on television before. The only thing I found really offensive was that she truly meant everything she was doing (read: trying to do ‘sexy’ and failing miserably).

      September 7, 2013 at 12:56 pm

  2. Oh my god. CRYING over here I’m laughing so hard…pretty sure I shouldn’t have read this at work (the snorting gets attention).

    September 6, 2013 at 7:33 am

    • Oh no, so sorry to have made you cry, but glad to have made you snort!

      September 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm

  3. — I so hope this goes thru… funniest twerking video I’ve seen in awhile! OMG! LOVED this post! xoxo

    September 6, 2013 at 10:35 am

    • I know, right? Doesn’t quite top the video of the white girl that twerked and caught her leg on fire. Gets funnier every damn time I see it.

      September 7, 2013 at 1:00 pm

  4. Oh shit! I own a pair of crocs! Keep me away from Tupperware parties, or I shall become translucent.
    And DO A MAD TWERK FOR JESUS totally needs to be on a t-shirt.

    September 6, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    • YOU READ MY MIND BECAUSE I’M WORKING ON GETTING THAT ON A SHIRT. I just need to find a great picture (or try to draw one but that’ll be hard because I can’t draw for shit).
      It would be pretty neat to be see through, strictly for the sake of scaring the ever living shit out of some folks.

      September 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

      • I’d buy it. It let me know when you have one made I and will totally throw money at you.

        September 7, 2013 at 1:07 pm

      • I actually started a zazzle store a while back that I never really did anything with. I think there’s a shirt and possibly a mug with a picture of a crazed spider holding a flame-thrower.

        September 7, 2013 at 1:16 pm

  5. Staje

    I love you. That is all.

    September 6, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    • I LOVE YOU, TOO.
      But not in ‘that’ way…. in the ‘other’ way….

      September 7, 2013 at 1:08 pm

  6. I agree that this whole thing is absurd X absurd. People are so shocked when someone who is perceived as the goody-two shoes busts out of that role and acts tastelessly. C’mon, if it had been Courtney Love, no one would have given a shit. One of these days, Miley, or whatever the hell her name is will fade away, because she so clearly lacks talent. Disney packages and markets these kids and when they start to fade because there is no real talent, they resort to shock. I am a professional violist, living in Tampa, and I’ve played many a time over at Mauseschwitz and absolutely hate it. It’s soul-sucking and derivative and just plain god-awful. I burned my bridges with them, when i jumped ship to the Warner Brothers Orchestra, years ago. Twerk this, Prisneyworld! Thanks CM

    September 6, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    • Twerkin’ on Mickey Mouse… fuck yeah….
      So you work for Warner Bros?? That’s pretty damn neat!

      September 7, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    • I love Mauseschwitz and Prisneyworld. Brilliant!

      September 25, 2013 at 4:29 pm

  7. I fucking love you. Please don’t twerk on me…or do. Actually, DEFINITELY DO!

    September 6, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    • I’m going to twerk on your head next time I see you. Which had better be soon.

      September 7, 2013 at 1:14 pm

  8. If only she had caught on fire like that other tweaking chick… Sigh….



    September 9, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    • Okay, was that not the best video ever?? I watched it at least eleven times in a row and it just kept getting funnier and funnier.

      September 10, 2013 at 9:35 am

  9. I don’t think my tongue moves that way. I don’t want to check right now because my husband is looking at me and he’d think I’d lost my damned mind.
    I KNOW my ass does not move that way, and I certainly won’t scar the hubby by attempting that trick (not to mention throw my back out).

    September 9, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    • You know, I can bust out a decent shimmy with my butt here and there, amongst other things, but the whole cheek clapping bit seems a bit out of my skill set.
      And that tongue… WHAT IN THE GREAT BLUE FUCK WAS THAT??

      September 10, 2013 at 9:36 am

  10. You are the first person who has mentioned my two thoughts on the matter:
    (a) Dat Tongue! WTF is that? And is anyone else’s tongue really that long? I feel kind of cheated in life cuz my tongue is short and stubby. I feel I could really accomplish great things with a tongue that long. Maybe. Probably not.
    (b) SHE WASN’T TWERKING! Thank you for saying this. It’s like she got some white-girl pass or something. She was grinding, and YEAH there is a difference. Not that I personally am able to perform either of these actions, but if we’re going to get socially upset about things, they really ought to be properly labeled. So thank you for that!
    (c) — yeah, I know I said TWO thoughts, but I added a third because that vid was fkn priceless. She kicked twerking’s ass with that bunny hop move at the end!!! Talk about leaving the room on a high note, amirite??? lolz!!!

    September 9, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    • I suppose having a long tongue would come in handy for licking stray food off your face, but overall I’m pretty happy with what I’m rockin’ in my mouth. That sounded weird but that’s okay. We can be weird here.
      Did you see the video of the white girl that twerked with scented candles and caught fire? GOOGLE IT IF YOU HAVEN’T BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING.

      September 10, 2013 at 9:41 am

  11. I’m not entirely sure, but I think that girl’s backside just propelled her out of the room!

    September 14, 2013 at 2:55 am

  12. I was having such a crap day, then I discovered your blog through The Bloggess. I didn’t know it until I saw it, but this post and the bunny hop twerk is just what I needed.

    October 2, 2013 at 7:35 pm

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