Skin Wallets, A Terrible Hat, and a Decision That Is Ruining My Day
This is just a filler post to add some substance between my last post and the slew of posts that I am going to assault you with in April when I do the A-Z blogging challenge thing. I’ve had plenty of things to say but I’ve been
busy playing Minecraft saving my stuff just in case I don’t have something to write.
I’m quite nervous about this challenge because:
A: Coming up content that’s actually worth reading is tough when it’s scheduled and structured, and
B: I have a tendency to make mountains tall enough to tickle heaven’s nut-sack out of mole-hills. Or something like that. I may have butchered that expressions a tad but you get my point and that’s all that matters.
Nervousness aside, I’m excited, too. Having a blog has rekindled my love affair with writing, and this will be a wonderful challenge. Not to mention, a handful of my favorite internet people are doing it too and this pleases me. WE SHOULD ALL WEAR MATCHING JACKETS, you guys. Or hats. Hats are cool, except for ones that suck, like this one:
Aside from discussing blog activities and showing you a picture of hat fail, I once again need the your help make one of the biggest decisions I’ll have to make in a long time. I need to pick a new item transportation device, you see, and I don’t know which one to choose.
In other words, I NEED A NEW PURSE.
First, let me just say I fucking hate purses. Intensely. I know that purses are supposed to be a big deal to the lady-folk, but I have never understood why. They’re either heavy and awkward or light and annoying, and are ALWAYS uncomfortable and in the way. Plus, every time I try to find one that I can deal with, they are usually dumb looking with some sort of magical name or word on it that has the power to make the women around me lose all sense of reason and boundaries when they see it. This one time I had a “hobo bag” that had one of these magical words on it and I got assaulted regularly with wide-eyed, crazed enthusiasm as strange women would come up to me gushing over it’s fanciness and desires to touch it. After a while, I became annoyed and borderline frightened over the bag’s sorcery and decided to kill it with fire, because fuck that shit.
I have learned that the older I get, the more necessary it is to have one with me when I need to leave the house, and this sucks. I would honestly rather take my needed items and wrap them in the loose skin that hangs around my abdomen and staple it shut like a skin wallet than carry a purse. Unfortunately, that would be ridiculous and awkward and I’d have to lift my shirt and rip open the staples every time I needed to get my debit card and I hate showing people my stomach. Plus I’d probably get blood all over my money and things and that would be a hassle. The purse I’m forced to use now is one that I’ve owned for three or five years and the time has come to find it’s replacement. I have been crawling all over Amazon trying to find one that suits my needs and isn’t unpleasant to my eyes, so I searched for purses that have skulls on them because I LIKE SKULLS A LOT. I’ve narrowed it down to two choices:
1. It’s black and has a skull on it.
2. It’s very practical for my days off.
3. It comes with an arm strap in case I don’t want to hold it making it versatile AND I LIKE HAVING OPTIONS.
1. It’s only big enough to carry the basics: wallet, gum, cigarettes, keys, a few tampons, and face powder, which is fine for days that I’m off but not for days that I work.
2. The skull is making an “OMG I JUST FARTED I HOPE NO ONE KNOWS” face.
3. It’s sort of shaped like a doctor bag and I would hate to give anyone the wrong impression.
And here’s purse #2:
1. It’s black and has a skull on it.
2. It’s very practical for days that I work.
3. Look at the neat chain.
1. It can hold all of my basic items AND has room for my notebook, my entire makeup collection, a kitten, the whole tampon aisle at CVS, an extra outfit, a computer for when my smart phone goes dead, a defibrillator in case someone next to me in line at the grocery store collapses and needs a quick boost, a quart of oil, and a light snack to combat sudden onset hunger. In other words, it’s a little too fucking big.
2. The skull looks like it told a terrible pun and is waiting for people to laugh.
3. It sort of looks like an oversized bejazzled scrotal sac.
These both get a B- in purses which is about as high a grade as a purse can get from me, increasing the likeliness that I won’t hate using them too much.