Tabasco’s Red-Headed Step Child
Dear Trappey’s Red Devil Hot Sauce,
You deceitful fuck.
Out of all the hot sauces that were on display in the grocery store that day, I chose you. You, with your picture of a smiling devil who’s lower body is made out of fire. Seeing that fire-devil grinning like a school boy in a porn shop on your label lead me to believe that, upon soaking my food in your crimson, peppery fluid, IT WOULD BE MAGICALLY TRANSFORMED INTO A BITE FULL OF LAVA-LIKE GOODNESS. You, who appeared to be made out of cayenne peppers and awesomeness, two things that, when combined, make my mouth parts all happy and tingly in that SPECIAL WAY. You know, that way that makes me say, “fuck yeah, this spicy thing is happening inside me RIGHT NOW”.
But no. That didn’t happen. Instead, what happened was a bite full of vinegary disappointment that is still lingering on my tongue, taunting me with what could have been HAD I GONE WITH A LEGITIMATE HOT SAUCE. One that makes good on its promise to deliver a taste bud liquefying experience with every bite. One that doesn’t misuse and abuse pictures of cheeky devils and fire. THOSE ARE TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS, ASSHOLE. And you DEFILED these things by putting them on the label of your shitty shit-sauce. You should really consider changing your name to “Bitter Puppy Tears” or ”Tabasco’s Red-Headed Step Child” with the main ingredient being FAILURE, and second being SADNESS. Thanks to you, I’m going to have to abandon my food and my family during dinnertime to get something different because this shit is unacceptable and has no place in our cupboard. You were not worth the .99 cents I paid for you. I WOULDN’T EVEN TAKE YOU HOME IF YOU WERE FREE. That’s how lame and disappointing you are.
PS: I’m just kidding. I don’t get that worked up food products.
But still, your hot sauce sucks dirty moose knuckle. You should consider quitting your day job or start making a line of fancy ketchup instead.