Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Zesty as Fuck

Is it still relevant to do a New Years post even though we are already seven days in?

The answer is probably not, but I’m going to anyways. A random picture of a cute kitten and a vagina joke would probably be more appropriate, seeing as I don’t really give a shit about New Years, but I still feel compelled to share my thoughts and stuff on the matter anyways.

Allow me to interrupt your reading to show you a picture of Potato wearing her fancy new hat.

But first, here is a picture of Potato wearing her fancy new hat. Also, a vagina walks into a bar. There isn’t a second part to that. I was just hoping you pictured a giant vagina with legs and a purse walking into a bar to have her some vodka sodas. NOT BEER THOUGH, for that will make her yeasty.

It is true. I don’t really care about New Years.
I’ve always celebrated it because I’m supposed to, but deep down I’ve never really understood the point. We’re just going to have to throw out our used calenders and buy a new one, why shout and get face to pavement drunk over it? Can’t we just pat each other on the back in the calender aisle and say “hooray” or something? Actually, no, fuck that. I don’t like it when strangers touch me. I also don’t like it when people say “hooray” and mean it. It’s all fine and well to show excitement over something, but do pick a different word. Maybe, “awesome!” or “this is terrific!”. Hooray just sounds dumb.

Did I make resolutions this year? I sure did. Only I didn’t make them on 01/01/____. I make resolutions on 12/12____, because that’s my birthday and the one time of the year that it feels right to do so, but even more so during times when I realize that I’m doing some horrible thing over and over and it’s affecting my life in a negative fashion. Those moments can happen at any time during the year.

This year, I’ve resolved to make 29 my bitch.


Why 29? Because that’s how old I turned. And it’s the final year of my twenties. Rumor has it that shortly after you turn thirty you start collecting cats while your boobs start making friends with your belly button, and all the while your ovum begin to rot and fall out of your uterus. Then you turn into this decrepit shuffling wrinkle-crotch who doesn’t bathe or have fun anymore, and you occasionally shit your pants. Or maybe all that happens when you’re sixty. Regardless, thirty is half way to sixty*, and I’m ONE YEAR AWAY FROM TURNING THIRTY, so I’m starting to get a little nervous about how I spend my time these days. There are a few things I’d like to accomplish before all of this happens. There’s the usual shit, like “stop snatcheling” and “shit or get off the career pot” and become omnipotent learn a new skill, but overall, I wish to take steps to becoming a happier person who sucks a little less at life. Those are some good goals to have, I reckon.

*I am mostly kidding. I’ve known some very zesty sixty year old people that are active and healthy and don’t have issues with shitting their pants. I’ve also met some that hate cats.

I have to say, 28 was sort of a crappy year. It had it’s perks, like moving in with Caveman, and giving birth to this blog, but over all? I give it a 2.73 out of 10. I take full responsibility for such a low score and know what I need to do to make 29 better, but I won’t bore you with the details. Instead, I’ll change the subject completely and give you wrap up of “weird shit people googled that lead them to my blog” because I haven’t done that in a while and there’s some pretty impressive ones worth sharing.

HOORAY!

Note: a lot of these would likely make your boss frown at you if they were reading over your shoulder or if they keep tabs on what you do on the Internets when you should be working or meeting deadlines or whatever. Also, some of these contain thoughts and words that are MORE CRUDER than what you’ll normally find on here. Suffice to say, these are NSFA (not safe for anything).

“porn cheaper than dating”
I suppose it is. But dating is cheaper than therapy you’ll need when the soul-sucking loneliness becomes too much to bear. Unless you wind up getting married. Divorce Weddings are very expensive. So I’m told.

“things I can put in my pussy”
Let’s see, your car keys, debit card, a swiss army knife, some chapstick, a pen or two, some change for the pay phone in case you get stuck somewhere…
TOTALLY KIDDING… payphones aren’t a thing anymore. Everyone knows that.

“fifteen items”
lamp chair box thing mug skull book pencil foot coin candle artery nut candy rooster

“can I call my cat Megatron”
Fuck no, you can’t. Megatron was my cat, and he still has dibs even though he’s dead SO DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, ASSHOLE.
Feel free to use Optimus Prime or GooGooKittyPurrFace though. Those are swell.

“I’m looking for the best granny porn”
Seriously? Who the fuck does that? Why would you actually type “I’m looking for” in front whatever it is you want to find on the internet? It’s a search engine. IT ALREADY KNOWS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.

“horse cock flare masturbating”
…. yeah, I got nothin’.

“snickerdoodle cookie sex”
Gee, way to stick your dick in a tasty cookie treat, pal. Whatever happened to just looking for “free porn”? Why does everything have to be so damn weird all the time?

“am I pregnant I smell like stale cum”
Yes. You’re going to have stale little nose babies.

“should I fuck my cousin”

Seriously, no.

“is 30yr old chloroform any good”
So what, because it’s thirty it’s probably crap? Just because it’s not in it’s early twenties any more doesn’t mean it’s useless. Jerk.

“I have a huge fetish for sucking on the callous on the side of womens big toes”
Well, I suppose so long you don’t work in podiatry or at a nail salon, then you should be okay. You may want to consider therapy or staying away from people just in case.

“when all else fails just fuck them in the dick”
I don’t know what’s weirder, this sentence or that my first reaction was “well, at least they didn’t put ‘fuck them in the eye’ because that would be awful”.

“flame throwing vagina”
You may want to get that checked out. I’m sure there’s a cream or something for that. At the very least, consult an exorcist.

The end.

21 responses

  1. I love what people have googled for yoyr blog. Mine aren’t as “wtf?” Awesome.

    And I thought I was the only one who didn’t “get” new years. I even wonder, why do most places give the day off? I am not complaining but it seems an invalid day off…yup, gotta take the day off to hang up my new calendar and well hell that’s it. Let’s celebrate a day that really is just a new number like every day is. Let’s make a resolution to improve ourselves. One. The entire year. Talk about major self-inprovement, an entire one change all year! Anyways off my soap box I am getting too ranty. Like the crazy guy that yells at himself and likes tinfoil.

    January 7, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    • Oh hey, I know that guy! His name is Paul, and he he lives under a bridge. He’s a really neat person once you get to know him. Just make sure you politely decline when he offers you peppermints and don’t look him straight in the eye. That sort of thing makes him nervous.

      January 8, 2013 at 5:07 pm

  2. Your analytics are the best- I’m now envisioning dicks in cookie batter and flaming vaginas.
    I rang in the new year washing dishes waiting for my bf to come home. Oh, and I ran to the door to let the cat in, in case he was scared from all the ruckus in the street. I’m not a fan of arbitrary holidays, obviously, especially ones where I have to work.
    Don’t worry, when I turned 30 my boobs didn’t suddenly drop to my knees (I was paranoid about that too). But you should totally make 29 your bitch

    January 7, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    • Oh thank goodness.. I wasn’t ready for knee sweaters made out of boobie meat just yet.
      Caveman and I just stayed home this year with all the children and a ridiculous amount of nachos and booze. It was the best New Years ever, honestly. And probably the cheapest.

      January 8, 2013 at 5:09 pm

      • fuck yeah nachos and booze!

        January 9, 2013 at 2:03 pm

  3. Your blog is impressively well-rounded to come up in google searches for granny porn AND Megatronic cats…and you can never have enough flaming vaginas in your blog. Not. ever.

    I once decided I wanted to be Queen of Google: Prehensile Horse Cocks Division so I spent a week making posts that contained the words “prehensile horse cocks” at least once a paragraph and in every blog title…also, I renamed my blog Prehensile Horse Cocks, just to make sure. I think at some point I my blog was the second thing that came up when you searched google for prehensile horse cocks… but I was thwarted by a pic of a dolphin cock that was #1. Which I call shenanigans on because it was a fucking DOLPHIN.

    January 7, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    • …. fuckin’ dolphins.
      They ruin everything.

      January 8, 2013 at 5:10 pm

  4. I want a flame throwing vagina. That just sounds awesome.
    And make 29 your bitch. Seriously, the thirties are better than the twenties, and the forties fucking ROCK! I shit you not. I’ve never been happier and self-assured. Mostly because I’m too old to give a shit what other people think of me.

    January 8, 2013 at 8:43 am

    • Your 40’s absolutely rock…you no longer care what ANYONE thinks and you can blame all your inappropriate behaviour on pre-menopause and early-onset alzheimers…it’s fantastic!

      January 8, 2013 at 11:47 am

    • While it’s not terribly practical, a flame-throwing vagina would be kind of nifty. Especially if it made some kind of roaring sound at the same time.
      Well shucks, now I’m sort of curious what life will be like beyond my thirties. I like the “happier and self-assured” part. That sounds rather lovely.

      January 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm

  5. My #1 search term right now is gnome porn. Also on the list: playing peekaboo with a midget, shiny pant leg nomination, beastiality porn insanity, http://www.soakingwetinjeans.com, shit constipate porn, small nonexisting toys, candles from constipation, red head constipaton face, retarded midget hooker.

    I’m not sure how/why most of these are a thing, but now I’m waiting in anticipation for you to get hits from people searching for ‘flaming vagina cookie dough granny porn’ online.

    Also: Totally make 29 your fucking bitch. Make her wear spandex and bark like an ostrich. Because next year, you’ll be 30. (I promise it only hurts for a second though. And your boobs only starting hanging out with your belly-button once you’ve shot out a couple of fund sucking twat-monsters.)

    January 8, 2013 at 11:59 am

    • “fund sucking twat-monsters” is my new favorite term.

      January 8, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    • When the day comes where someone searches “baking snickerdoodles in granny’s flaming vagina porn”, I will have won the internet. You’ve got some amazing ones yourself (playing peekaboo with a midget FTW).
      I have launched out a few humans from my lady cannon already, so my boobs never had a chance… sigh…
      @blissflower, that really is an amazing term

      January 10, 2013 at 10:17 am

      • Oh, that’s right! I stalk so many people online right now that it’s sometimes hard to remember who has minions and who doesn’t. It looks like your boobs are fucked, my dear. Sorry. I guess I got lucky by not having much to speak of in the first place. They’ll never hang down to my bellybutton, they’ll just turn into silver dollar pancakes that I can just throw some duct tape on.

        January 10, 2013 at 2:00 pm

  6. We have remarkably similar New Year’s resolutions, except this Christmas I turned thirty. Weird, but I woke up and my boobs were hanging around my navel…

    January 9, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    • Aw hell… were they at least getting along?

      January 10, 2013 at 10:22 am

  7. Well I WAS wondering how to use a flaming vagina to bake pornographic snickerdoodles…I guess I’ve arrived at the right blog. :)

    Bitch, I’m 35 and still young. It’s all good.

    January 10, 2013 at 10:45 am

  8. Valerie

    Sooooooooo…. Definitely a no on the cousin fucking then? Ok… But… What about, like, second cousins?

    I’m just kidding of course… My cousins are all fuck ugly.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    January 10, 2013 at 8:38 pm

  9. You’re such a funny little thing, aren’t you. All youngly and all. GAH!!!! You crack me up, and that is such a lovely thing. Have no fear of your 30s. I remember feeling quite wise in my 30s, and also still being young enough to party appropriately. It’s a rather nice balance of the two colliding worlds. So, there’s that. i’ve yet to shit my pants, but my sister once shat her pants because I made her take alot of vitamins and magnesium.

    January 15, 2013 at 11:59 am

  10. 29 is going to rock! Have fun!

    February 22, 2013 at 12:14 pm

  11. Well you have inspired me! I have resolved to make 59 my bitch too….Don’t be afraid….To date, no shitting in my pants…..occasional tiny pee squirts if I can’t get to the potty quickly enough….boobs high, not low..bathe daily……memory sucks…..hitting my stride…I do feel an urge to adopt thirty or a hundred dogs today however….

    Recently started my own blog….had only read one blog before I started, “The Bloggess”, now I’ve added two others…and you’re one of them….You’ve been added to my Blog site….Be afraid ….You may have a brigade of wrinkle crotches following you soon….

    February 25, 2013 at 8:45 am

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