Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Vagina Fun Sticks Of Encouraging Things

This picture interrupted everything that I am currently working on right now:

Thank you, tampons. You saved my fucking day.

First of all, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Second of all… really?

Thirdly… REALLY???

Do my eyes deceive me? Are these actual blurbs of girl-power nonsense printed on the side of tampon wrappers?

Holy shit. This is fucking brilliant.

And by brilliant, I mean WHAT IN THE DEEP FRIED FUCK IS THIS?

I will say it is rather funny but comedic value aside, these are so damn ridiculous that it’s causing me brain pain.

Does this actually work? Are there women out there who, upon inserting the magical expanding cotton into their lady-bits, look down and see “live fearlessly” on the tattered remains of the wrapper and think, “By golly-gum, this tampon wrapper is right! I WILL live fearlessly!” And they run off and do some courageous thing that they normally wouldn’t be brave enough to do in a million years, ALL THANKS TO A FUCKING TAMPON?? Is this why the fancy ones cost an extra three dollars a box? Because each stick is like you’re own personal life coach reminding you to be awesome? I bet there’s some in there that say, “you go girl” and “boys are dumb girls rule, lol”. That’s the sort of thing we need to see for empowerment when we’re on our periods, ammiright, ladies?

Yeah… didn’t think so.

On another note, when I originally shared this on Facebook, the ever-awesome Jeneral Insanity pointed out that “being unstoppable” was a rather ironic thing to put on a tampon, as stopping things is pretty much the whole point to tampons in the first place. Way to go, brand-name vagina fun sticks. You might as well throw “go with the flow” in there, or some bit about swimming with the stream or some shit. Because when I’m not looking to my lady-parts for encouragement while I’m dealing with my monthly panty-slaughter, I’m swimming in rivers and feeling quite content about it.

I would love to see what knock-off brands would come up with for their tampons.  I imagine it would go a little something like this:

1. Don’t get too excited, today will likely be mediocre at best

2. Well, look on the bright side, at least you’re not experiencing an unwanted pregnancy

3. Don’t do that one thing you’re thinking about doing, because you might do it wrong

4. Sing like no one’s listening. Unless you’re a bad singer. Cats have ears, too, you know.

5. Dance like no one’s watching. Unless you don’t have legs. That would be awkward.

6. Keeping your thoughts to yourself is the best way to avoid conflict

7. Thanks, that tampon really needed a hug

8. Good grief, get a hair cut (think about it)

If you have any more unmotivational tidbits that would go great on the side of a generic tampon I’d love to hear them. Remember, SHARING IS CARING.

I'm living freely! I'm walking courageously! My uterus is bleeding! Thanks, Tampon!

I’m living freely! I’m walking courageously! My uterus is bleeding! Thanks, Tampon!

19 responses

  1. Jesi

    Where are the lucky numbers? On another note, travel sized tampon boxes were the best place to stash my contraband items in junior-high/high-school. Cuz I could be like, “DON’T TOUCH MY VAGINA PLUGS JOE!” (our security guard).

    January 4, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    • OH, Joe… I remember Joe… vagina plugs made him a bit nervous. I wonder if he’s still policing the school with his little golf cart and over-inflated sense of importance…

      January 5, 2013 at 10:29 am

  2. Lol

    January 4, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    • It sure made me lol, too… may even be worth getting the fancy tampons from now on just for the laughs

      January 5, 2013 at 10:31 am

  3. And how the hell are you supposed to live fearlessly when there’s the looming possibility of Toxic Shock Syndrome because of said fun-stick? I’m SO glad that you posted this, because it’s exactly what flashed through my head when you shared this picture on FB. All of it.

    Your list of off-brand encouragement is fan-fucking-tastic, and I would buy the blood-sucking fibers out of those! I would add something like: “I know you’re on your period, but do you REALLY need that chocolate?” or “The world is full of possibilities. But probably not for you because you’re obviously poor.”

    January 4, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    • “The world is full of possibilities. But probably not for you because you’re obviously poor.”
      FTW

      January 7, 2013 at 9:43 pm

  4. “Congratulations, you’ve gone 21 more days without sex”

    January 4, 2013 at 5:28 pm

  5. Stacey

    Well now I feel all deprived because I had a hysterectamy last spring and had never noticed my lady-plugs were bursting with inspiration. Now I’m tempted to go buy a box just for the quotes…just as soon as I figure out some DIY tampon-crafts so it’s not a total waste of a perfectly good box of tampons

    January 4, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    • ohmygod! Tampon crafts… That’s friggin’ great. Let me know if you do that. That would be hilarious!

      January 5, 2013 at 12:26 am

    • I asked the Internet and it showed me this: http://www.tamponcrafts.com/
      I’m just pissed because there’s a little tampon nativity scene in there AND I DIDN’T SEE IT IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.
      Fuck.

      January 5, 2013 at 10:36 am

      • Stacey

        Sweet raptor jebus, that tampon crafting site is AWESOME!!! I can’t decide if I want to make the blowgun or the toupee first

        January 5, 2013 at 8:21 pm

  6. In the UK last month they replaced the little bit of white string with a piece of tinsel.

    It was just for the festive period though!!

    Boom, boom.

    J
    x

    January 5, 2013 at 4:47 am

    • Ha! Way to stick Christmas where the sun doesn’t shine.

      January 10, 2013 at 12:07 pm

  7. I saw those comments once and had to show my hubby and even he was like, wtf? Like the “have a happy period” bs. All the men in marketing had to come up with that cause a woman never would.

    And ok I love fortune cookies but hate when I get a saying and not a fortune. When my vagina is lining up for a fortune, society is screwed up folks.

    So, ma’am, what inspired you to…..save kittens from a burning building, invent the cure for cancer, etc? Oh, well my tampon wrapper said carpe diem and here I am!

    January 5, 2013 at 9:28 am

  8. jennsomethingclever

    “Hey, at least you’re losing a few ounces this week, right?”

    January 5, 2013 at 11:25 pm

  9. jennsomethingclever

    “Bleeding for days and not dying? You go, girl!”

    January 5, 2013 at 11:30 pm

  10. Kim

    Too damn funny!!! You had me cracking up! I prefer the ghetto cardboard tampons because they say “Super” on all their wrappers- I need repetitive affirmations.

    January 6, 2013 at 6:00 am

  11. If you haven’t already seen this add, you’ll laugh your ass off. http://youtu.be/FRf35wCmzWw

    January 7, 2013 at 8:14 am

  12. Valerie

    “Now you have a reason to buy new underwear. P.s. sorry about the leaking… My bad.”

    “Goal today: don’t kill anyone. YOU CAN DO IT!”

    “If you’ve got a problem, go have a hysterectomy already.”

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    January 7, 2013 at 7:56 pm

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