FML Upside Down Cat Stretch

I am pleased to report that Halloween was fucking awesome and I am very sad that it’s already over.
I’ll admit, I was kind of bummed that I didn’t do the zombie unicorn thing, but it was pretty fun doing the sugar-skull makeup. And by fun, I mean “cheap and easy”. And by “cheap and easy” I mean boring as fuck. Caveman* did his traditional zombie garb (which he is quite amazing at, I must say) so he compensated for all the awesomeness that I was lacking while we stumbled around the block party we attended. That is fine and well because he likes getting attention more than I do, and he got a shit-ton of it that night.

*Boyfriend will be referred to as “Caveman” from now on.

The children, of course, had a blast trick-or-treating a few days later, and I had the privilege of escorting them from house to house (honestly one of my top favorite parts of being a mom). I’m kind of pissed that I picked such a shitty time to start dieting because they have a fuck ton of candy and I feel it is my duty to eat half of it in order to keep them from developing diabetes. Because that’s what good moms do.

Alas, I can put off losing these last ten pounds no longer. We have a wedding to attend in a few weeks and it is imperative that I look  pretty as fuck, and we all know that’s MUCH EASIER task to pull off when you’re not extra squishy.
Not to mention I’m doing a boudoir photo thing in January and there’s no way I’m cramming this marshmallow ass of mine into some sexy panties for that. Or booty shorts. Or whatever the fuck I’ll be wearing. Apparently you’re only allowed to do lingerie, which is terrible because I fail at fancy lady things like that.

Don’t know what boudoir photography is? Here’s a brief definition:
1. Boudoir is a French word for a woman’s private dressing room, therefore, a place where she’s likely to be scantily clad and posing suggestively. Because that’s what we do while we’re getting dressed.
2. A style of photography depicting scantily clad women doing said suggestive poses, usually in a bedroom-like setting
3. Something that combines three of my least favorite things: 1. having my picture taken 2. having people fuck with my hair and makeup and 3. having people see me wearing less than a t-shirt and jeans. A lot less.
4. Something that I apparently can’t wear my combat boots and a snake for in an attempt to add my own creative flare to the shoot (a note to my sister who is making all this happen: when I said I needed a “boa”, I was not referring to a brightly-colored scarf made of feathers).
5. Something I agreed to do as a birthday present, and I’m not sure why.
6. If my comfort zone were a planet, this would be three galaxies over

It should be an interesting experience. I’ve been practicing my sexy poses and such. So far, I’ve nailed this one:

I call this one, “FML upside down cat stretch”

And this one:

The, “OMG I have to pee and here is this chair somebody plz help me” pose

And my personal favorite:

The “No-Shame Drunken Canine”

With enough alcohol and yoga, I should be able to nail just about any pose, I think. I’ll share more as time goes on.
Plus, I need suggestions for what to wear, so PLEASE SEND ME PICS. Any and all ideas are welcome, especially if they’re funny/tacky/horrible. Click here for all of the different ways to contact me/send me shit. 

And now to conclude this post, here’s a wrap up of awesome shit people typed into search engines that lead them to my blog:

“What color are you knickers mummy porn”
I kind of wish ‘knickers’ was an American term, because it’s a fun word to say

“I live off your mom porn”
Can we all just agree that the words “mom” and “porn” should not be in the same concept? Ever?

“hi I’m wiggle waddle how do you avoid sharp objects”
I tried asking Google as to what in the great fuck a wiggle waddle was and this is what it showed me. I am more confused than I was prior to my inquiry.

“could lunesta cause a man to watch porn”
So sorry, sweetie, but it’s not likely. The only thing that will cause a man to watch porn is demonic possession, and you should hire a priest IMMEDIATELY before shit gets real and he becomes telekinetic and starts speaking in tongues which will otherwise lead to MASTURBATING. And whatever you do, DO NOT LET HIM FONDLE HIS BALLS. That’s where the demon’s source of power will be located and stimulation will cause it to seep out in spurts of unspeakable evil.

“baby pig are you really going to eat me”
Um… yeah, I’ve got nothing.

“why do I have an itchy anus and vagina”
Well, there are many causes for this, the top two being yeast and wiping yourself with a dirty sock because your drunk and squatting behind a dumpster and that’s all you have to clean yourself up with. In other words, avoid bread and always keep napkins in your purse.

“what part of a woman do I suck”
A little known secret is that women LOVE IT when you suck on their forehead. You should try that next time you’re with your lady. You’re welcome.

“drawing fairy princess bed and dwarf porn”
I’m noticing most of the search terms are random phrases that have the word “porn” attached to it somehow. You should see some of the ones I don’t post here because they’re pretty fucked up.

“rectocele digital evacuation”
Totally sounds like an awesome, futuristic event you’d see on an alien movie or something. BUT IT’S NOT.

HAPPY FUCKING SATURDAY!

The end.