Take Off Your Pants Humor (WARNING: This post will make you itchy.)

Fuck.

*ring ring*

Me: “Hello?”

School nurse: “Hi… so uh… there’s lice fornicating vigorously on both your kids’ heads, and that’s gross, so you need to come get them and keep their infested asses at home until those creepy parasitic fucks are gone forever”

This was the phone call that turned my life upside down last week.
Lice?
MY KIDS HAVE LICE???
Oh my Gods.
My children were hosts to these horrid little things that I had completely forgot existed and now I have something new to add to my ever growing list of “shit that freaks me out”.

Fuck.

For a second, I fantasized telling the nurse that I “have never heard of those children because YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER, MOTHER FUCKER” and then hanging up violently thus leaving my poor, itchy babies far far away so they couldn’t bring that shit home. I would never do that to them though, because it’s against the law I love my children and am not a horrible person. Seriously though, FUCK LICE. I’d rather they bring home an angry, rabid animal or a horrible stomach virus or even a stray homeless man that was addicted to meth. Not parasitic blood sucking bugs THAT CRAWL ON YOUR SKIN AND FUCK LIKE RABBITS ON YOUR SCALP.
You know how I know they fuck like rabbits? ‘Cause after asking Google for every single common and occult method of head-louse genocide, I had to ask ”how do lice fuck”, because as most of you know, I am really weird and find the mating habits of non-mammals fascinating.

Unfortunately, their mating rituals weren’t interesting enough for me to draw informative and insightful illustrations, though I would like to note that they have penises and vaginae like we do and they screw for over an hour at a time. AN HOUR, you guys.
Oh, and the Lady Lice is always on top because they’re enthusiastic in the sack and Boy Lice are lazy. Or because it’s more convinient that way because of their anatomy. One of those.

Seriously though, a whole hour? What kind of a creature would fornicate for a whole hour??
Oh wait… I can think of one. Never mind.

And I have to cut this post short because it’s making me really itchy and paranoid.

BUT BEFORE I GO:

Didn’t I say something at some point about posting every Sunday? I’m sure I did. And it is now Tuesday.

So we’re going to play a little game I like to call “let’s pretend it’s a day that’s not today, today” and pretend that its 10/14/12.

With that: HAPPY FUCKING SUNDAY, and here’s weekly wrap up of the weird shit people typed into search engines this past week that lead them to my blog.

penis+metal pig ring
DON’T GOOGLE THIS. Not because it’s messed up or anything, but because it’s really disappointing.

take your pants off humor
Because everything is funnier when you’re not wearing pants

shower head vibrator
This is another frequent one I get, which I don’t understand because I can’t recall ever writing about such awesomness weirdness.

i am your mom porn
What is this shit about? Two people boofing on camera then she’s all, “I am your mom”? I guess that makes sense. Porn is more sexy when it’s suddenly super disturbing.

real true on bull shit granny porn
Speaks for itself. Kind of. Wait, what?

skinny granny fucks again
Again? WTF, skinny granny??

금붕어
No habla es Korean, amigo. No habla Espanola, either.

fannys out are cool
Yes, and so is crack. You’re welcome.

horrible vagina pictures
FYI, you can narrow your search by googling “Brittany Spears Crotch Shot” or “Paris Hilton’s Vagina”.

THE END.

Oh, and THANK YOU ALL for voting on my Halloween costume. “Zombie Unicorn” took the lead, which I found incredibly interesting, though I’m not sure why.

However, I will be unable to make this costume. I am very sorry to anyone that may have had high hopes for hilarious pictures of me in a ripped up pink horsey suit with a glittery horn and rotting flesh. I do have my reasons though:
1. After writing down everything I would likely need for said costume, it was becoming apparent that it was going to be really costly, and I’m kind of poor at the moment.
2. My Dad and Mrs. Dad came by my house yesterday with presents from their recent trip to Mexico, and my gift was a BEAUTIFUL sugar skull statue. I fell so much in love with it that I decided to be a sugar skull lady instead. I’ll make it awesome as fuck though, I promise.