I'm shiny as fuck

It’s about high time I stop being an asshole and acknowledge some awards that certain awesome folks have sent my way over the past few months..

My sincerest apologies for not doing this sooner. It really wasn’t intentional, but as I’ve mentioned before, I am slightly defective and lose track of time quite easily.

So, to Nagzilla, DeBeeHive, ModMom, and Crakgenius, a giant mother fuckin’ THANK YOU* and please accept my sorries.

“The lady’s sorry plz to not be mad kthanxbye.

Seriously, you guys made my day when I saw your award posts. It pleases me greatly to know that my weirdness is being appreciated.

There are rules one must follow when accepting said awards, one being that I’m supposed to display a picture of the award and embed a link back to the poster that gave it to me. Three of you gave me the versatile blogger award, and the Internet might implode if I try to link all three of you in a single thumbnail and life as we know it would end. I DO NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE END OF THE WORLD. It’s just not on my list of shit to accomplish before I die*. So please refer to the links attached to the blogger names listed above.

*The odds are already against me seeing as how my birthday this year falls on 12/12/12 now you know the date just in case you want to send me shit. I know it’s technically supposed to end on the 21st, according to the Mayan thing, but I don’t fuck around with number sequences. I’m paranoid like that.

I’m also supposed to list seven random facts about myself for the versatile blogger award. So… here you go:

1. I have an unnatural tolerance and deep love for spicy food
“Is this thing here spicy?”
Those who know me well know never to ask me this question, as I’m horrible at assessing what is spicy and what isn’t. To me, what I consider “delightfully flavorful” will potentially liquefy a normal person’s esophagus.

I googled “funny chili pepper” in an attempt to find an amusing picture to add for your viewing pleasure, and this was the best Google could come up with. You fucking suck sometimes, Google. And for the record, if I ever saw a person wearing this hat in real life, I would probably punch them in their penis and balls so hard it would give all of their sperm Downs Syndrome.

2. I sleep like a baby.
And no, I don’t mean that I sleep soundly through the night. I mean that I only really sleep in brief spurts during times that are horribly inconvenient. Despite how exhausted this makes me during the day, I’m wide awake around ten o’clock or so and I wind up staying up all night. LIKE A TYPICAL INFANT. Seriously, I’ve never understood the phrase “sleeping like a baby”. Babies are usually shitty sleepers until they’re toddlers. But no one says, “sleeping like a toddler”. Because that would make sense.
Anyways, yes, I’m aware of the existence of “sleep aides” but sadly, they make my heart race like a twitterpated hooker on speed. I know this because I’ve tried them. This does include the hard core ones like Lunesta and Ambien, which are supposedly strong enough to knock out a medium sized pony. It’s okay though, I’ve accepted it and no longer try to fight my brain’s stubborn desire to ruin my day. I just sleep when I can and ingest obnoxious amounts of caffeine when I can’t.

3. When I actually do sleep, I have intense, vivid, and often horrifying dreams.
I know that hearing people share their dreams can often be very boring for most people, but I’m tempted to guarantee that mine are interesting as fuck. So interesting that I’ve considered starting a cousin blog to this one so that I have a place to share them, along with the slightly dark and not as amusing shit that fills my brain on a regular basis.

4. “More metal than your mom” is a reference to my taste in music.

It in no way implies that myself, or your mother, are made of metal, though I am pretty fucking shiny.
Nor does it imply that I only listen to metal. I get this a lot: “Gee, I sure would like to share this thing I’m listening to with you, but there’s no double bass or some incredibly pissed off person screaming into the mic like a dying cat, so you won’t like it”.
So not true. I LIKE ALL SORTS OF STUFF. And dying cats make horrible metal singers, WTF.

5. I have a rotten sense of humor.
You guys have no idea how much I hold back on this blog. Seriously.

6. I have very little memory of my childhood.
I fucking hate it when I get asked, ”hey, do you remember something something something ect from when you were a kid?” because I probably don’t and have to make something up to in order to avoid saying ”no”, as ”no” is never a good enough answer for most assholes, and they usually follow  with “well, why not?”.  Then things get awkward when you have to explain that most of your childhood is missing from your brain, and not one single life event or birthday or Christmas or Columbus Day has been stored in your memory. And in all honestly I have no fucking clue why this is.  I do have a few theories, one of them being that I’m an extra-terrestrial from a galaxy 8.3 billion light years away that was sent here in a twelve-year old girls body* and my mission is to observe and document the awesomness and fuckitry (spell check) that is human life and behavior and one day, I’LL REJOIN MY PEOPLE.
For now we’ll blame the ample amount of drugs I did as a teenager. That shit will wipe your brain clean and fill your head with crazy ideas if you’re not careful.

I do remember the ocean, at least, and to this day it remains one of my favorite things. That’s good enough for me.

This picture may disprove my alien theory, but it does prove that my sister is retarded. Did I say retarded? I MEAN SPECIAL. You’re very special, Super Sister Pants.

*Age twelve is roughly when my memory starts.

7. I have some very irrational fears
I’ve written briefly of my strange fear of caterpillars. I cannot emphasize enough how much those things freak me out. They’re not the only things that get under my skin though. My fears are including, but not limited to:
Gas tanks
Plastic bags being near/over someone’s head
Heights/Falling (though not terribly weird or irrational, it should be mentioned here)
Confined spaces
Parasites
Masks with no faces (you know how in movies, assholes that steal shit will sometimes cover their face with panty-hose? Yeah. Fuck that)
Getting lost

8. I once got married on the hood of a car
8a. I have been known to make some horrible life choices

10. I can’t count or follow directions very well.

11. Just kidding. I can totally count. Numbers are facinating as fuck.

12. This in no way implies that I’m good at math.

13. What were we talking about

14. Oh! And my whore cat just had another litter of adorables! Fuck yeah!

Now, it’s time to pass these along to others.
If you’ve already recieved any of them already, do not disregard. Just take that as a sign that you are doubly awesome.

1. Polka Dot Clovers
2. Scientific Facts I Just Made Up
3. CrakGenius
4. Non Girlfriend
5. Reebit
6. Hartley Hooligans
7. I’m Not Really a Barista

There’s a fuck ton of blogs I read regularly that are amazing and I wish I could add every single one of you, but that would be weird. And it would take forever. And this whole award thing is kind of awkward. Plus, I’m only supposed to put seven anyways. So, for those of you listed above…. umm… here you go.

HAPPY FUCKING SUNDAY