Somewhere out there, a granny has ruined someone’s asshole. Alternate title: Happy Sunday!
1. It’s Sunday, so let’s talk Deity for a second
The Gods are assholes sometimes*. You know how I know this? They close all of the Thai food restaurants within a five-mile radius of my work place while simultaneously giving me a ravenous craving for panang curry beef with double vegetables and a fuck ton of rice. I was all set to make this happen today and IT WAS GOING TO BE SO PERFECT. The intensity of my craving was high enough to where it would have been “best thing I’ve had in my mouth all year” upon its consumption. I even had my coworkers on board, and they don’t even really like Thai food all that much.
But sadly, it turns out that the Powers That Be wish to forbid Thai food enthusiasts that reside in the Mesa, Arizona area from indulging in all of its esophagus melting, Thai hot glory on Sundays.
*Relax, Gods. I don’t really mean that. Please don’t plague me with eye herpes or some shit.
2. Speaking of food on Sundays…
Those of you made out of deep-fried awesome-sauce that have followed my nonsense since the beginning know all about anti-Kilmering. For the newbies, you can read all about it here. It is a heart-warming and inspiring piece that will leave you feeling uplifted and with new-found sense of purpose and spiritual elation.
Ha! Just kidding. It’s about my experiences with weight loss and about the tragic state that is current Val Kilmer. Now, I never really did get around to getting back on track until recently, and have been doing a tremendous job at being a dieting gym-whore. And no, that doesn’t mean I go to the gym and exercise my lady-bits in the mens’ locker room. It just means that I’ve been working out more frequently like I used to and eating as though I have some shame.
In going back to my old habits, I’m bringing back my Holy Cheat Day. For those of you who don’t know what that is, the Holy Cheat day is something that a lot of weight-loss gurus encourage, and for good reason. It is the one day out of your week where you can not give a pound of fuck and eat whatever the hell you want. Want some pizza? ORDER THAT SHIT. Feeling peckish for some chocolate cake? GO GET YOURSELF SOME. How about a whole loaf of bread? FUCKING DO IT. Weirdo.
The Holy Cheat day is important when you’re trying to lose weight because horrible food is thoroughly awesome and one of the joys that should be added to your Human experience. It also helps you stay on track during the other six days out of the week, and yes, I have an explanation for this, but you’ll just have to wait for my up and coming new weight loss post, ’cause this is getting really wordy and I have one or three more things to add before this Sunday is over.
3. A wrap-up of the weird shit people search for that leads them to my blog
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I am both proud and horrified at some of the shit people look up that brings them to Cerebral Milkshake. My favorite will always and forever be “rub magic to size magical man ass hole” which is too weird to not be awesome. Nothing has topped that yet, though I do get some new weird shit daily.
“spiders in lady’s vagina”
Stupid lady. Spiders don’t go in there. Get them out.
“1000 ways to die with a vibrator”
WOW… I can only come up with one way. I must not be as creative as I thought.
“price of a midget butler”
I imagine midget butlers to be in short supply and therefore are expensive, but with a little searching I bet you can find some at a reduced rate. Because short people puns.
“skinny granny fucks again”
that WHORE. Go bake some cookies, skinny granny. Stop with this fucking nonsense.
“what in the blue fuck”
OMG I know, right?
“granny ruined asshole”
WOW… the only thing my granny ruined were parts of my childhood. Good to know things could have been a lot worse.
“anti fucking social mood logo”
“can a woman use a banana to have sex with herself?”
Yes. We sure can.
Though that’s a very ineffective way to get potassium in your diet.
“girl eat tampon porn forced”
Jesus coffee drinking Christ, WHY IS THIS A THING
“squatting backdoor milkshake”
Just sharing the opportunity for a horrible mental image. You’re welcome.
“mildly attractive men”
Way to set the bar, random internet searcher
“cool fanny pack”
you know, to store your AARP card
4. Please vote for my Halloween costume! I hate making my own decisions!
Happy Fucking Sunday
WAIT, ONE MORE THING:
It has been brought to my attention that this blog has won some awards over the past few months, and I’ve only acknowledged one so far. This was not intentional, I’m just
a crappy person kind of flaky and forget stuff a lot. For the award givers, THANK YOU. A proper post will happen some time this week.