Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

“Emotional Aneurysms”. Because the original title to this was lame as hell.

First, I’ll start with some Awesome: I am now in the League of Funny Bitches!

This pleases me greatly.

Those who don’t know what that is, or have never read Noa Gavin’s blog, I highly recommend you do so immediately, ’cause she’s funny as fuck. And by immediately, I mean in a minute or five after you read my nonsense first, ’cause I’ve got shit to say and horribly drawn pictures to show you.

I have not been posting on here as often as I want to. Lately, life has been a real soul-sucking bastard I’ve been really busy and on the verge of a nervous breakdown slightly frazzled with all the craziness that is life.

One of the things that kept me busy these past few weeks was taking care of my very sick cat, Megatron*. Attempting to, anyways.

Sadly, he had to be “put to sleep” on Saturday.

I put that in quotes because I believe the term to be horribly inaccurate. He was technically “made dead”, or “launched into the ginger-cat after life via syringe full of things “, but the Vet people insisted on saying “put to sleep”.

Whatever. All I know is Megatron is no more, and everything sucks.

RIP, Buddy. I hope there are plenty of warm asses and laps for you to sleep on in the ginger-cat after life.

*For those of you who are newish to my nonsense, you can get to know him through this old post I wrote about him a few months back.

Despite his epic assholiness, he was my best good pal, and I loved him dearly. It was for the best since he was quite ill, but it still makes me sticky with EMOTIONS, and that makes me very uncomfortable.

This would be a good time to bring up Lady Fail #3: I’m terrible with my feelings.

It’s a known fact that women are incredibly emotional creatures. We also tend to be very expressive of said emotions. Example:

“I’m UPSET at this thing your are doing here, because it makes me FEEL this way and I WANT you to stop that thing forever.”

or

“I’m feeling very SAD because of no reason what so ever, and it would make me very HAPPY if we could sit and TALK ABOUT IT.”

And, you know, we cry a lot. Sometimes.

You would think that I, as a fellow cooter owner, would also be in touch and have the ability to communicate my inner most feelings and shit. FUCK NO. Why? BECAUSE I SUCK AS A WOMAN. And also because my feelings are icky. Like bugs. Fuck those things.

That’s not to say I don’t feel. I am quite the opposite, actually. The problem is that I don’t express them properly, and when I try, the words get all fucked up and make no sense. So, I bottle up all of my icky nonsense to myself, and that leads to AWFUL things like crying in public and/or looking like a complete psycho.

Here’s an illustrated example of what happens when I’m feeling very upset and weepy and Boyfriend tries to talk to me about it.

NOTE: Boyfriend is much sexier in real life.

I know that “nothing” is a cliche response women give when they’re asked if something is wrong when we damn well know that there is, in fact, SOMETHING WRONG. “Nothing” for me, however, means that my emotions are putting awful little bubbles in my brain and disabling my ability to find the words that will explain what in the blue fuck is happening inside my head.

Eventually, those bubbles burst.

This is the part where my emotions seep out of my pores uncontrollably and turn me into a THING. A very upset, tear-streaked, angry Thing.

My God, I suck at Windows Paint.

In conclusion, I hate talking about my feelings because PURPLE. And lamps are Assholes because they mock you with their brilliance.

25 responses

  1. Oh yeah… purple. That’s my go-to answer when someone tells me to pick a letter between 1 and monkey.

    As for the passing of Megatron, I’m truly sorry. That ginger bastard seemed awesome (even if Carl Brutananadilewski was out-assholing him lately). Google chrome tells me that assholing is not a word. Bullshit, I say. Anyway, I’ve missed your absence, and I’m glad to see you back.

    September 3, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    • Thanks for the condolences. He was an awesome cat. Death is so dumb.
      And what the fuck, Google Chrome? Assholing is too a word. Next they’re going to say “assholiness” isn’t a word either.

      September 4, 2012 at 10:17 am

      • Haha! I was told by wordpress that you had replied to my comment on “Emotional Aneurysms…” and I was all, “when the hell did I comment on a post with that title?” Then I came here and saw that, not only had you changed the name on me, but explained the name change IN the new title. Nice one!

        September 4, 2012 at 10:31 am

  2. Making all those pictures must have taken up a lot of your time. I thought I outgrew comic books, but I think I can find it in me to read yours.

    September 3, 2012 at 6:17 pm

  3. Sorry to hear about your furbaby. Even when they’re assholes we love them which results in awkward girlie emotions when they pass.

    September 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    • Its sad… He was a dick, but he was my favorite dick.
      Err… wait..

      September 4, 2012 at 10:56 am

  4. Stephanie

    Brilliant. You should win a prize, or something.

    September 3, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    • Thank you! I like prizes. I like winning, too. Hell, I liked winning before Charlie Sheen made it cool.

      September 4, 2012 at 10:58 am

  5. Oh, I am so sorry about your asshole cat! That is a huge hole that no one else can fill. My asshole cat wasn’t really much of an asshole, but she did used to drool on everyone. It’s just not the same when the drool comes from anything else.

    P.S. CONGRATS ON THE LEAGUE!!

    September 4, 2012 at 9:00 am

    • Heard that… we’re already having talks about “replacement kitty”, but I don’t think he can be replaced. He was cool as fuck, you see. And he was my buddy.
      Though a tea cup pig or a monkey might suffice…

      September 4, 2012 at 10:59 am

  6. OH MY GOSH ME TOO ME TOO!! I couldn’t express my emotions either, so I just drank a lot. That worked well, if by well you mean I became a raging alcoholic. I’m now learning how to be a human with proper emotions, and can now express them at the same level as a toddler; as in, tantrums and pouting. Progress, no?
    Sorry to hear about your bitty kitty. *Sad Face*

    September 4, 2012 at 10:28 am

  7. While alcohol tastes better and is way more fun than tantrums, I agree its not very healthy to hit the bottle while you’re botteling. But good grief, vodka is delicious.

    September 4, 2012 at 11:04 am

  8. Sorry about your kitty.. I had to go through that a few months back. It’s a bummer, for sure.

    I’m pretty bad with feelings also, and equally terribly with MS Paint.

    Congrats on getting into the League of Funny Bitches!

    September 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    • Thanks! And on a side note, it’s actually IMPRESSIVE how bad MS Paint sucks. Like, mind blowing that a computer program could be that horrible.

      September 6, 2012 at 11:08 am

  9. I’m sorry about your asshole kitty :(
    Mine is a fat bastard more than an asshole, but I know how hard it can be to lose a furbaby. We talked about this teacup pig thing before, and while it won’t be a replacement for Megatron, it sure as hell might brighten your day with its squealy, oinky, curled tail piggyness.I’m just saying…

    September 4, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    • Thanks… I don’t know if I’m quite ready for a new animal pal just yet. And Boyfriend won’t let me have a teacup pig because of “something something useless can’t even something bacon blah blah no tiny piggy for you”. Fucking BULLSHIT, I tell you :(

      September 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

  10. Amy

    Oh my God! Came to you via Diary of a madwoman… You. Are. Funny. And now, I am compelled to obsessively read everything you’ve written. My husband will send you a thank you (f u) letter soon.

    September 6, 2012 at 10:39 am

    • Tell yer husband I said “You’re Welcome”. Or “yw”, if you guys communicate a lot through text (and thanks for the compliment! I like it when my weirdness is being put to good use, even if it means getting F Us from husbands).

      September 6, 2012 at 10:51 am

  11. Jo

    I’m sorry you lost your devil-cat. A league of funny bitches is so cool and I’d be jealous except I’m not good with the female vengefulness thing–does that count as a Woman Fail?–anyway, I’m glad they discovered you, you’re funny as hell.

    I have similar periodic meltdowns with my husband except I wave my hands around and laserbeams shoot out of my eyes. You should try it, it’s badass!

    September 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

  12. Noa finds all the good blogs, she does.

    Congrats on being in the League. This post here made me laugh.

    Everytime I see that it’s a male, I have learned to say no. And I do get pedicures b/c of my rough heels BUT anyway, no to the male : mostly b/c of the way they look at the client’s faces while they do their feet.

    SO WEIRD.

    And reminds me too much of my college boyfriend.

    Icky.

    September 15, 2012 at 4:02 am

  13. Oh crap.

    And now I see that I left a comment for the wrong post.

    I’m sorry about your cat.

    September 15, 2012 at 4:03 am

  14. I would like you ti know that I shared this on fb because, although the whole post is both entertaining and sad (I hate losing a pet) the part where you explain why you say “fine” is brilliant. Guys always rant about how girls are never fine when they say they are. I’ve always been of the personal opinion that they are too stupid to realize that we don’t say fine just to be difficult. We say fine because we are so not fine that words can’t express it correctly.

    September 17, 2012 at 9:22 am

  15. So sorry about your kitty.
    Also? Your drawings are frighteningly accurate.

    September 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

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