Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Why I suck as a woman: Part 1 of many. Alternate title: Back the fuck off my hot spot, Asshole.

I have a confession to make.

Before you get excited, it’s not anything terribly juicy or interesting. It’s something that usually triggers questions, concerns, and harsh judgments to be thrown my way when I tell others.
So I’ll just come right out and say it: I SUCK AT THIS WOMAN STUFF.

Seriously, I have been a female my whole life and I still haven’t nailed this shit. Sure, I have the basics covered in that I know how to cook and have periods, but that’s pretty much it.

I tried to cram all of my Lady Fails in this here post, but it was turning into a mini-novel, so I decided to break it up into multiple posts to prevent any of you from hating me having to mentally exert yourselves. Because I care.

Let’s start with Lady Fail #1: I don’t get pedicures

I have had ONE pedicure in my life. That means there is only ONE time in my life that I was allowed to wear sandals in public. This is baffling to a lot of women I’ve encountered who couldn’t imagine going more than a few weeks without having their feet sloughed, shined and polished to an unholy perfection.

I will admit, I did feel pretty damn fancy with the perfectly applied polish and inhumanly soft heels. Little things like that make you feel all pretty and keeps your self-esteem from setting up shop in the shitter. But that’s not enough to get me to keep going back for more. I do have reasons for this:

1. If I were to start getting pedis, I’d want to keep them maintained, and that’s not financially practical. I have mouths to feed and PRETTY FEET DO NOT PAY THE BILLS. Unless I started doing foot-fetish porn. Apparently there’s quite a market for that because the world is full of fucking weirdos.

2. Just THINKING about getting a pedicure sends out magnetic waves to other females that I interact with on a regular basis, thus causing them to suggest that I turn the desicion to get one into a social affair. And I don’t want to, because FUCK THAT. If we’re going to sit and have lady-chat while someone is vigorously touching our feet, then we may as well get a two for one deal on a cooter wax and vegazzle aftwards so we can share giggles while they tear the wax cloth off our tender bits. IT’S JUST NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO BOND OVER. Which leads me to number three:

3. With exception to the Boyfriend, I don’t like it when people touch my feet. Not that it feels wrong or sexy or anything, it’s just uncomfortable. And it tickles. Kind of like the feeling you get when you’re doing your yearly girl-part stirrup rodeo with your gyno and they warn you before their hand is about to graze your inner thigh.
Yeah, that shit tickles, too.

The one time I did get a pedicure was a mess. I walked in expecting services from one of the gruff Korean Helgas that were waddling around, but I was very, very wrong. After one of them instructed me to pick out my color and have a seat in one of the worn, lightly stained vibrating chairs of my choosing, I was approached by a rather tall, nice, muscular, VERY attractive Asian man who looked a lot like Daniel Dae Kim.

For those of you who don’t know who that is, HERE YOU GO:

Same watch and everything.

Sounds good on paper, right? You would think that I, as a straight woman who thoroughly enjoys the sight and presence of attractive men, would have been bouncing for joy at the fact that this handsome sack of living flesh was going to be man handling my feet, right? WRONG. I was perplexed and feeling quite encumbered by the whole situation. If you’re wondering why this is, please refer to words 2-6 in the title of this post.

Dude (in a thick accent): “I come. I take care of you. You comfable in chair?”

Me: “Um… yes.” <—LIES

He then sits on a stool in front of me and gently takes my left foot in his hand, slowly pushing his thumbs into the soles of my feet.

What in the great blue fuck? THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PAINT TOENAILS, WTF.

I vaguely remembered someone telling me that this happens when you get a pedicure, but I had forgotten all about it. I can’t remember any time prior to this experience where I felt more awkward than I did in that moment. I didn’t think it could get much worse until HE STARTED MAKING EYE CONTACT. And it wasn’t just any kind of eye contact. Dude was doing “romance eyes”.

I’m sure anyone reading this who’s ever been on a date knows this look. It’s not quite “bedroom eyes” that would suggest that Dude (or Chick) is having a great time and would like to take to make the mattress cardio with you. Romance eyes is a look that they give when they just finished cooking dinner and reading out loud to you and would like to talk about your feelings for a bit while deep down hoping for a quick fondle inside the pants but would never dream of asking. There is nothing wrong with bedroom OR romance eyes, so long as it’s not by a total stranger who has your foot in a death grip while you’re trapped in a vibrating chair trying to hide behind a horrible magazine. For a moment, I had to fight a sudden impulse to yank my foot free and kick him in the face. Thanks to self composure and not being a terribly violent person, I refrained and continued “reading” the Cosmononsense.

Then, it happened. His rubbing of my foot caused a tingly sensation that spread up my leg, through the lady bits and into my abdomin where laughter was being formed and in danger of exploding from my face. I had completly forgotten how ticklish my feet can be. I tried with all of my might to keep it in, but the amount of self-control I have is akin to a small child, so it didn’t last long.

Dude:”Oh, I hit hot spot?”

Dear chocolate baby jesus, why in the fuck did he say that?

Me: “Oh no, I’m just a little ticklish is all”

Dude: “Oh no, that ‘hot spot’. Good spot to rub. Want me to go deep in your hot spot?”

ME:

Which brings me to my Lady Fail #2: I don’t like it when strange, attractive Asian men touch my feet and ask to go deep in my hot spot.

This concludes my first Lady Fail post.

45 responses

  1. If it helps, I have NEVER had a pedicure. I have done my own versions at home but never paid for it. After reading about your experience…I’m not sure I want to! Super awkward.

    August 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    • I’ve tried a whole bunch to do them at home, and 8 times out of 11 they look better before I put the polish on. I’m good at putting lotion on my feet though.

      August 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

  2. Bwahahahahaha! Sorry about that stranger going deep into your “hot spot.” HA! You crack me UP!!!! But seriously, what a total creeper!!!!! I get them on occasion during the summer, and if you find the right person (I normally go to a gal), trust me, you will want more of that action. LOL It’s all good!!!!!

    August 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    • ONE DAY… I’ll brave it again. I’d need a damn good excuse though. Maybe if times get way desperate and I HAVE to go the feet-porn route.

      August 20, 2012 at 12:47 pm

  3. Daniel Dae Kim. Yum. Hot.spot???? F-ing hilarious.

    August 19, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    • I had a moment where I thought he might have been kidding… he totally wasn’t. I’m sure the whole “language barrier” was to blame, but it still set the bar high for how awkward situations can get.

      August 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm

  4. Lol! I’m not much of a girl either — though I have had two pedicures, one before my wedding three years ago, and then one after my first 9 week stint in the field. I went WANTING the massage and polish because of the steel-toe boots I have to wear – but the last one was a disaster :P No funny asian man storied though ;)

    August 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    • You know, I’d probably have to make an exception if I were to ever get married. Can’t have no ugly toes be spoilin’ my dress and shit. But I have the whole “always a bridesmaid”, or whateverthefuck, thing going for me, so I don’t think I have to worry.

      August 20, 2012 at 9:34 pm

  5. I love getting manicures/pedicures. That’s the only really female thing I do. I’ve never had a man do one before though… I can imagine your discomfort though.

    August 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    • Is it better when a chick does them? S’rsly, my feet are a disaster. I’ve tried the whole “do them yourself” thing and there isn’t enough Ritalin in the world to keep me focused long enough to get them right..

      August 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      • Well, I would assume so since there would be no sexual tension. They are there to preform a service and talk to you. In my experience:

        1. Wear shorts or capris because the massages go up a little past your ankle. Its a technique to release tension, especially if you stand a lot and put a lot of pressure on them.

        2. The most uncomfortable part to me is clipping/filing of toenails. I clip them myself and instruct them not to clip them. If you need them clipped without the nails being talons, you can instruct them on how to do it. If they look at you funny just remember to be friendly, and tip them a dollar or two extra.

        3. When I first got pedicures, I got freaked out at the cheese grater thing. But even though I’m ticklish it never bothered me. In between pedicures, I’d get a Ped Egg, at CVS to take care of the edges around your heal, the side of your feet, and big toe. It really is a simple process and you won’t hurt yourself.

        I am normally the anti-health and beauty expert, but these simple things go a long way, especially if you wear sandals.

        August 20, 2012 at 1:34 pm

  6. Jo

    The hot spot bit killed me! Not only do I not get pedicures, but I don’t give them either. I’m Vietnamese so this really upsets people…I think it’s thrown off the laws of nature. If someone stuck their hammer toes in my face I would stab them with a table. I was half expecting him to pop your big toe in his mouth and start sucking!

    August 19, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    • Holy shit… at that point there would have been no resistance in kicking him in the face. It would be half from anger and half from the whole “ticklish as fuck” think I’ve got going on..

      August 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

  7. This post is so funny: the creepiness of eye contact, the attempt at romance in the most unromantic place ever, or the pic of your face at the go deep reaction. Sounds like your pedicurist needs to take a few more Casanova lessons.

    August 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    • He would have been find in a bar or restaurant setting, unless he takes his work home with him. Talk about even more awkward… sitting and having some drinks and Dude gets down, takes your shoes off and goes to town. I would probably die. Not from embarrassment or anything. I think my body would just shut down from not knowing how to handle the situation..

      August 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm

  8. Wow. :P I’ve never gotten a pedicure/manicure, but that’s really hilarious, and it seems like it’d be so awkward as well. I’ve seen really HOT Asian guys in the salons, though, because I’d go with my mom as a kid (didn’t find them hot back then) and I went with my aunt about six months ago (definitely found that college-aged one hot). I wouldn’t really feel comfortable with some hot guy touching my feet at all.

    August 20, 2012 at 5:35 am

    • Right? It’s just STRANGE. Others that I’ve told this story to think I’m nuts, so I’m glad that some people on the internets seem to see my point of view.

      August 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

  9. Yeah…only hot guys I want to sleep with can rub my feet…not random hot spot pedicure dudes.

    Also, I find the pedicures that leave the nails long FUCKING GROSS. Cut those bitches OFF…toenails are not meant to be painted claws, and it gives me the fricken heebie-jeebies when someone not only doesn’t cut them but gives them one of those french-tip pedicures. Nasty.

    August 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

    • More power to those going for the “sexy talons” look, but deep down, I judge them ’cause that’s nasty. It may be fancier than my unpolished “torn cuticle due to being over enthusiastic with the clippers” look, but, yeah… touche. Spell check.

      August 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

  10. You know, you nailed it for me. I can’t do my own nails for shit. But I’ve never ever gotten a pedicure. The Hubby just told me the other day that I should get one. But I don’t want to subject some poor fuck to my feet even if it is their job. Maybe one of these days I’ll just go for it.

    August 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    • GO FER IT…. just be sure to request a Korean Helga. Unless you don’t mind hot strangers touching your feet.
      Though I wonder what romance eyes would look like from a Korean Helga….

      August 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

  11. Did you ACTUALLY say… cooter wax? Holy shit… if that isn’t a phrase INVENTED for the sole purpose of being searched through Google… I don’t know what is!

    So, of course, I did.

    August 20, 2012 at 9:30 pm

  12. Damn you, I just snorted Coke up my nose. No, not THAT kind, I was drinking and started laughing about the “hot spot.” Note to self: No drinking while reading this. P.S. Keep doing it, it gets better. I hate pedicures because of the hot spot, and I’m one of the most girly girls you will ever meet. P.P.S. Bonding over that shit? Um, NO.

    August 21, 2012 at 5:28 am

    • I was invited once to a “gal pal power hour” once. There was manicures and facials and all that going on, which is all good and well, but I would rather just get drunk. There wasn’t even any wine. I thought all that went hand in hand, no?

      August 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

  13. It’s sounds as though he REALLY wanted to go deep into your hot spot. What a freak, I’m surprised he didn’t try to suck on your toes or something…

    BTW, I came across your blog thru the Bloggess site. Soooo funny! Check out my blog if you get a chance!

    August 21, 2012 at 11:11 am

    • I probably would have needed therapy if he started sucking on my toes. Or a really great attorney, because I might have accidentally murdered him.
      Will do!

      August 21, 2012 at 10:27 pm

  14. I am so happy I followed the link from your Bloggess comment.

    I don’t like pedicures either. I’ve had exactly two in my entire life. The first time I was about eleventy months pregnant and could no longer reach my toenails, which were in dire need of a trim. Everyone told me to go pamper myself with a pedi; I bought into the fantasy and scheduled an appointment. The only part of the process I enjoyed was picking out a nail polish. From a moral perspective, it just felt WRONG to have this underpaid, diminutive Asian girl kneeling before me tending to my feet. From a physical perspective, I HATE (capital ACH-AY-TEE-EEE) having my feet touched, too. My husband and darling children know they risk getting a somewhat involuntary and mildly violent kick to the head if they even try to touch the souls of my feet.

    I got the second one a few years later because someone gave me a gift card or some stupid shit like that. This time I had a big middle-aged dude who was dressed like he was about to go fishing and handled my feet about as gently as you’d handle a dead fish that needed the guts squeezed out of it. I’m pretty sure he was also commenting on the size of my feet & lower legs, since his foreign-language-spoken comments got giggles from his coworkers every time he poked at one of my legs for no reason that seemed apparant other than to say, “Would you look at the size of this one!!!”

    I can say one thing with certainty: NEVER AGAIN!!!

    August 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    • OH dear god, was he wearing overalls and a flannel?
      That’s how I picture dudes who are about to go fishing.
      I. Would. Have. Lost. My. Shit.

      August 21, 2012 at 10:29 pm

  15. barbatsea

    I was at a seminar about menopause put on by my local naturopath a few weeks ago. Maybe 20 women were there and we sat in a semi-circle. It was a warm day so most were wearing sandals. The talk was boring so I looked around at all the feet.

    I do love pedicures. I only get 0-2 pedicures per year but, if I get them at all, mostly do my own because I’m cheap. I’ve only had a guy do it once and he was crap, and not even a looker to compensate. You just need to find a place that makes you comfortable. My favorite places are the ones I really can’t afford – like local spas or Vegas hotels where they charge double the cost (or more) of your standard Vietnamese-run place up the street. Language is often a barrier but they should be able to understand “no massage” and “no callous-thingy*”. If you can stand the ticklish for any period of time the end result is worth it. But definitely wear shorts or pants you can roll up to your knees. I like that many exfoliate my feet and lower legs and do a bit of a massage but, if it’s super cheap, I’ll just be happy with the basic soak, cuticle, cut/file, paint.

    *Very bad experience with the cheese grater several years ago. They took off too much callous and my half-mile limp home was excrutiating, so I just say ‘no’ to that particular utensil. If they’re just using a pumice stone that’s fine although very ticklish and I have to deep-breathe to not kick.

    In conclusion, two notes:
    1) The only thing I learned from the menopause seminar is that I can blame my developing sudden flares of rage (while driving) or tears (anything I read on the internet) at the least provocation on perimenopause. My time spent there was worth that single nugget.
    2) I’m going to have DDK massaging my feet fantasies. Sweet!

    August 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    • I do find myself looking at feet often, since I have a hard time making eye contact with strangers and feel more comfortable looking down. I’m learning that feet are like snow flakes. No two are alike. Rather, no two pairs are alike. Or whatever.
      I also know that I avoid going to any even that has the word “seminar” in its title. Though I would consider going to a whiskey or peanut butter seminar.

      August 22, 2012 at 12:17 pm

  16. Bwahahahahaha! I’ve had a total of 3 pedicures in my life, and it was for birthdays each time. I love foot rubs and stuff, ticklish stuff aside, but I can understand not liking your feet touched by hot-spot pedicure dudes. I had a hot Russian man cut my hair once, and it made me uncomfortable to have my hair and head touched by him. Conversation didn’t happen easy either. >.< Bonus: my hair was awesome when done, probably because I just let him do whatever, haha!

    August 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    • One thing is for DAMN sure… men are great with hair.
      Well, skilled men are great with hair, anyways. I don’t know if I would hand Boyfriend two bottles of dye and tell him to “go crazy” on me. I would probably wind up looking like a deformed zebra.

      August 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

  17. This is hilarious!!! I too am a failure at being a woman, having reached 34 with no earthly idea how to properly apply make up. And I’ve had maybe 3 pedicures in my lifetime, all at the prompting of eager friends, and none of which turned out as hysterical as your experience (the most memorable was more terrifying than humorous – think large, hairy Ukrainian woman wielding a razor while distractedly chatting on her cellphone).

    August 21, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    • Surprisingly, I am fairly decent with makeup (except blush, because to hell with all that). I did have a tranny friend that showed me everything I needed to know when I was younger, so I was rather fortunate.

      August 22, 2012 at 12:07 pm

  18. Devan

    This is hysterical! I followed your link from the Bloggess. I snorted when I scrolled down after the hot spot question and your answer NO with that face – LOL! It’s probably a good thing that you dont get pedi’s regularly. I get them all the time and have found, they more they scrape your feet, the more you HAVE to have them scraped! Calous, scrape=bigger calous. :/ I tell my daughters all the time – never let anyone scrape your feet!!!
    I will be back!
    Devan

    August 22, 2012 at 12:24 am

    • I did notice that a few weeks after it was done, my feet went from insanely soft to rougher than they had ever been in my life. I just stick with the Buffalo Bill motto: “it places the lotion on its skin”. And that is the extent of my foot care regimen.

      August 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm

  19. Jesi

    The guy that does mine (maybe 1-2 times a year) looks like that too, but tattooed with Cambodian tigers, fluent in English and, thank baby chocolate jesus, happily married. But being talked to while trying to enjoy/endure the borderline tickle fest is comparable with chatty dentists. Just bring an MP3 player and a xanax if you go again and you’ll do fine.

    August 25, 2012 at 9:01 pm

  20. Oh lmao. I like getting pedicures but they only happen about once a year… on my birthday. And I don’t like it when strange men touch my feet… hot Asian’s or not. lol

    August 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm

  21. I was having stomach issues (which are not uncommon for me). And I went to some Asian healing center, cuz a cooky l.a. co-worker told me it might help. The head Asian guy, who was not hot and slightly creepy, suggested I take a class. It was this weird yoga/stretching/jumping in place “like a free child”/moan to the top of your lungs type of thing. The last 10 minutes we lied on our backs, eyes closed, and meditated. Totally relaxing. Until Asian dude knelt beside me and proceeded to violently KNEAD MY BELLY, like it was play doh. Telling me: I can feel your tension….Having a strange Asian man touch your bloated gut is far worse than him touching your feet. Trust me. I’ve never looked at an Asian man the same way again.

    August 31, 2012 at 12:16 pm

  22. I love a good pedi once a month in summertime – cuz I play tennis and I get lotsa them callous things, and I always have to tell the nail tech to keep ‘em sports short. I always get a cute li’l gal – the guys in my salon ONLY do fake nails (no thanks). In the wintertime, I get one pedi as an after-Xmas treat, go with a gal-pal and we just rant, rave & chill out, keeps us from getting medieval on the in-laws. ;-}

    BUT….if you be the ticklish type, it’s torture and I can understand why you’d be uninterested, hot-spot hittin’ aside. (Wonder how many gals have tipped that guy for the hot-spot & hot-eyes garbagio?)

    August 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

  23. I love this post.. I was laughing so hard.. I can totally relate I have had 3 pedicures in my lifetime all forced by friends who wanted me to go with them and they paid.. rofl.. I am so uncomfortable when someone is touching my feet. usually tho they are women speaking in their language to each other and Im saying to my friend they are talking about my ugly feet how rude is that.. which is when they shut up for a minute then start up again..

    I hope to never again be forced into another pedicure.. I do wear sandals all the time and I try to keep my heals in ok condition with a pumice stone in the shower and lotion but I really don’t feel the need for them to be perfect..

    the hot spot thing that was hilarious… He must have wanted a great tip? lol thank you for sharing!

    September 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  24. Pingback: Favorite Fridays « non-girlfriend

  25. Pingback: Just remember, when all else fails, chloroform is never a good idea. « Cerebral Milkshake

  26. I suck at girl things too but like I can cook and have periods, but that last one I’d rather not. My big brother grew up and became my big sister. I didn’t see the attraction to being a woman at all. He wanted to be June Cleaver and make pot roast in pearls and heels and be taken care of, so dude, he didn’t even want to be a real woman.

    Girl things I suck at/don’t get: going to the bathroom in groups, wearing make up, giving a carp about my hair, buying cars based on color not performance, pedicures, the French manicure look ON TOES (creepy), talking on the phone, babies…. yeah, maybe big bro and I got our genders switched. Except for I do like the power of the tit. I’m telling you, if I had know the power those babies would give me one day back when I was the only girl in 5th grade with them I would have gloated instead of cowered.

    October 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Leave this bitch a comment. Bitches love comments.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 117 other followers