Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Carl Brutananadilewski, King of the Housethings

Dear Carl Brutananadilewski*,

I’m on to you, shit bag. This whole time you’ve been acting all cute and innocent has just been a ploy to make us believe that you’re a benevolent little creature. Well, I’m not buying into your shit anymore.

LIES

Case in point: when we picked you out of the litter your four-legged whore of a mother hatched, I wanted your sweet, innocent little brother, Meatwad*. He was everything you could want in a kitty. Adorable. Cuddly. Orange. Somehow, you’d convinced Boyfriend that we should take you instead because it was impractical to have two ginger cats and that I would be a horrible girlfriend if I didn’t agree. I went along with it because I’m a supportive, loving woman that likes making the Boyfriend happy (YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME), but I now know that we CAN have two ginger cats in one household and that you’re just a manipulative fuck-stick.

“I can haz a home wif yu?” FUCK NO. Because Boyfriend Carl said so.

And this whole business with you taking the straws out of our drinks? I wanted to believe that you were concerned about our apparent need to use these strange objects in order to properly ingest fluids and wanted to help break us of such a weird habit. I now know that YOU JUST DON’T WANT US TO HAVE THINGS THAT MAKE US HAPPY. I also know you get some sick sense of satisfaction as you watch me laboriously collect the ones you leave all over the fucking floor. Asshole.

And poor, poor Megatron. He is so hungry, yet you keep stealing his food. I was really hoping that MAYBE you were just worried that he was becoming way too fat because, let’s face it, obesity is a rising concern in our society today and he’s quite the husky fuck, but I now know that its because YOU’RE A GREEDY LITTLE DILL HOLE AND YOU ENJOY WATCHING THINGS SUFFER. Which is probably why you like to chew on our feet while we sleep. You revel in watching us be torn from heavenly slumber just to be woken from the mind-numbing pain inflicted by your incredibly strong jaw and razor sharp teeth. You sick, sick bastard.

My mouth tastes of suffering and the feet of the innocent. This pleases me.

You’ll have your time, Carl Brutananadilewski, King of the Housethings. But there will come a day where your reign will be OVER and you’ll be forced into the roll of “nice kitty”. The era of your testicles will come to a tragic end and they will be gone FOREVER.

The end.

*These names are from the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force, by the way. I have a horrible time coming up with names for things, so I rely on television and movies. And yes, there was a time when I was charged with the daunting responsibility of naming actual humans. Don’t ask.

SOON

16 responses

  1. “my mouth tastes of suffering and the feet of the innocent.” Yeah…still crying over here, and my belly muscles hurt and I may be squeaking uncontrollably (as happens when I laugh that hard, which is fucking annoying and embarrassing).

    Fanfuckingtastic.

    August 7, 2012 at 7:39 am

    • you mean, you squeak like a squeaky toy? That’s kind of awesome, though I don’t know why…

      August 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm

  2. The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
    It isn’t just one of your holiday games;

    …thanks to T. S. Eliot we have to take that shit seriously. I’m right there with ya. We had a cat named Toki Wartooth (after the Metalocalypse character). Then, we named her offspring Loki because it sounded like Toki and because it was the Norse God of mischief, which seems totally logical for a cat.

    We no longer have Toki or Loki.. instead we have Toki’s grandbabies, Odin and Freyja, because for some fucking reason we’re stuck on Norse mythology?!

    Stupid T. S. Eliot. I’m naming the next one Fluffy. Suck it.

    August 7, 2012 at 8:58 am

    • So, you just scored a 4,872 cool points for naming your cat Toki Wartooth (I do love me some Metalocalpyse. That’s where my name Banana Stickers comes from).
      The name Fluffy would be so much more awesome if your next cat is hairless.
      (and, fuck yeah to Norse mythology! Odin FTW).

      August 7, 2012 at 2:16 pm

      • HOLY CRAP! Now I want a hairless cat named Fluffy SO BAD!

        August 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

  3. At least he’s not (or you haven’t made mention of) peeing on things. That’s the worst.

    And I agree with CrakGenius- T.S. Eliot has ruined it for everyone. We actually had a cat named Bustopher Jones at one point in time.

    August 7, 2012 at 11:09 am

    • I get whiffs of it here and there which puts me in a state of denial.

      August 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

  4. Your pussy sounds like a real asshole. But he makes me LAUGHHHHHHH! xo

    August 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    • He is quite the asshole. He puts Uncle Megatron to shame, that’s for sure :D

      August 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm

  5. Damn it all, is THIS what I am in for when I take in that kitten next weekend? P.S. I laughed so hard I accidentally stuck a straw up my nose. Tell your little asshole to try and steal that one!

    August 8, 2012 at 6:40 am

    • He would probably try! He’s all about challenges, you see.
      Kittens rule. It’s when they become cats that things get “hairy”.

      August 8, 2012 at 10:48 pm

  6. All cats, even the nicest ones, are bastards. I like your movie and TV naming scheme.

    August 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

  7. I’m pretty sure your cat and mine must be related. I don’t even call him by his name anymore….to me, he’s either asshole or dickhead. He earned those titles.

    August 9, 2012 at 1:15 pm

  8. BWAHAHAHA. I too have an asshole cat. She came from a shelter and they named her Lois. I told them it was a bullshit name because she didn’t look anything like Lois Lane so I renamed her Abigail The Asshole Cat. I call her Abby for short, or FUCKING HELL CAT STOP CLAWING AT MY FEET. She likes to climb on top of shelves and knock everything to the ground in spite. But only when I’m looking, because she wants me to know that she’s the bitch in charge.

    August 15, 2012 at 12:19 pm

  9. Pingback: King Carl For Life « Cerebral Milkshake

  10. Pingback: Kiestering Bowling Balls and Ponytails. Alternate title, “Please Help Us Name Our Cat” « Cerebral Milkshake

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