SPIDER SEX! Alternate title: Fun With Windows Paint!
Holy shit, we have a fuck ton of them in the back yard.
And not just any spiders, but BLACK WIDOWS.
Yep, Nature’s original SCARY BITCHES have been setting up little whore-webs on our back patio.
Fortunately, I’m not terrified of spiders. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want them “on me” or “near me” or “party bombing me” while I’m having private time with Joe Camel and Captain VodkaSoda after a long, hard day, but they certainly don’t freak me out as much as caterpillars and
dying alone zombies do. In all honesty, I think they’re pretty, and feel kind of bad when I hose them down with hair spray and then set them on fire.
Discovering our little squatters raised lots of questions, like, “how do they spin their webs?” and “what is that web stuff made out of anyways?” and “do they prefer crickets over potato bugs?” but, more importantly, “HOW DO SPIDERS FUCK?”. So I decided to google the shit out of arachnofornication to find out.
I discovered it’s a bit similar to the human mating process.
First, Boy spider needs to find a mature Lady spider, and that is hard to do since most Lady spiders are really young and stupid.
After weeding out the dumb chicks, he finally locates a useful female spider via her mature, sexy pheromones, aka her LADY SCENT that she’s squirted (lol) all over her web.
But, now that he’s found one, he has to make sure he cock-blocks all of the other dudes near by. He does this by destroying her web that’s covered in her slut-stink and/or killing them before they can do her.
Now that he’s destroyed her stinky web AND the competition, he has to show his intentions to shag her three ways from Sunday. There are various ways this is done, but in most cases, he’ll dance.
Now that he’s, um, impressed the Lady, she’ll flash her girly bits, thus, prompting him to make a splooge ball and stick it in her with a thing called a pedipalps. Splooge means sperm, in case you didn’t know.
She’ll keep said splooge-ball inside her spider-vagina to use it
whenever she damn well pleases when she’s ready to make spider babies.
In some cases, when they’re done doing the deed, she’ll turn him into a post-coital snack.
Isn’t that fascinating?