Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

SPIDER SEX! Alternate title: Fun With Windows Paint!

SPIDERS.

Holy shit, we have a fuck ton of them in the back yard.
And not just any spiders, but BLACK WIDOWS.

Yep, Nature’s original SCARY BITCHES have been setting up little whore-webs on our back patio.

Fortunately, I’m not terrified of spiders. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want them “on me” or “near me” or “party bombing me” while I’m having private time with Joe Camel and Captain VodkaSoda after a long, hard day, but they certainly don’t freak me out as much as caterpillars and dying alone zombies do. In all honesty, I think they’re pretty, and feel kind of bad when I hose them down with hair spray and then set them on fire.

This is one of the smaller ones that I found. OMFG.

Discovering our little squatters raised lots of questions, like, “how do they spin their webs?” and “what is that web stuff made out of anyways?” and “do they prefer crickets over potato bugs?” but, more importantly, “HOW DO SPIDERS FUCK?”. So I decided to google the shit out of arachnofornication  to find out.

I discovered it’s a bit similar to the human mating process.

First, Boy spider needs to find a mature Lady spider, and that is hard to do since most Lady spiders are really young and stupid.

After weeding out the dumb chicks, he finally locates a useful female spider via her mature, sexy pheromones, aka her LADY SCENT that she’s squirted (lol) all over her web.

But, now that he’s found one, he has to make sure he cock-blocks all of the other dudes near by. He does this by destroying her web that’s covered in her slut-stink and/or killing them before they can do her.

Now that he’s destroyed her stinky web AND the competition, he has to show his intentions to shag her three ways from Sunday. There are various ways this is done, but in most cases, he’ll dance.

Now that he’s, um, impressed the Lady, she’ll flash her girly bits, thus, prompting him to make a splooge ball and stick it in her with a thing called a pedipalps. Splooge means sperm, in case you didn’t know.

She’ll keep said splooge-ball inside her spider-vagina to use it whenever she damn well pleases when she’s ready to make spider babies.

In some cases, when they’re done doing the deed, she’ll turn him into a post-coital snack.

Isn’t that fascinating?

38 responses

  1. This is amazing, and I’m terrified of spiders but curious about their sexual habits.

    July 25, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    • Right? I tend to wonder about the fucking habits of all creatures I encounter. Then again, I’m really weird in real life.

      July 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm

  2. i am horrified and mesmerized by spiders at the same time… and this will make my next encounter with the infestation that is my home (probably in 15 min or less) much more entertaining… ;) yay!

    July 25, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    • Right? They make my skin crawl if they are uncomfortably close, but at a reasonable distance, they are quite beautiful. And NEAT. I found out all sorts of cool shit about them while I was researching their bedroom habits.

      July 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm

  3. Spiders suck, not as bad as centipedes because c’mon, those fuckers are just unnatural.
    However your cute spider sex illustrations almost made me rethink smashing the fuck out of one. almost

    July 26, 2012 at 5:46 am

    • Centipedes, millipedes, and CATERPILLARS. Seriously, I can’t appreciate butterflies knowing what they once were.

      July 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

  4. As long as they stay outside of my house (sorry bitches: webs in the house are NOT allowed, and my dog will eat you) and aren’t poisonous, and don’t fucking crawl on me, spiders are neat. I agree…centipedes are way way worse, but I can’t get the shepherd to eat those (also, he only eats the non-toxic little house spiders, and only if I knock them off the wall first: my hero!).

    Thanks for the giggle…SO needed it today. And congrats on your (possibly flattened) not-sick boobies!

    July 26, 2012 at 7:54 am

    • CENTIPEDES ARE FUCKING EVIL.
      Sorry for the CAPS but I cannot stress this enough.

      July 27, 2012 at 2:42 pm

  5. Jesi

    HA! I thought I was the only one that hair sprayed spiders. I didn’t set them on fire though. Just watched them wiggle in a stiff manner.

    July 26, 2012 at 10:07 am

    • What brand do you use? I prefer Aussie. It gives a great hold, but it’s NEVER STICKY. Plus, it smells heavenly.

      July 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

      • Jesi

        I see it took me 6 months to respond but….the cheapest strongest stuff I can. I accidentally brought a flexible hold on a camping trip. While attempting to use it like some super hero Freeze Ray gun it only made them really slow. And spiders moving in slow motion are kind of terrifying.

        February 9, 2013 at 4:18 pm

  6. Oh…my….god…. Your spider porn is amazing. LOL

    July 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    • Thanks! I’m considering sending them to Penthouse to see if they get published. I know it’s not likely but I am staying hopeful :D

      July 27, 2012 at 2:35 pm

  7. Your spider sex explanation was absolutely hilarious.

    July 27, 2012 at 1:40 am

    • Glad you liked! I hope it was just as informative as it was funny :)

      July 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm

  8. PUNKSTER

    bLACK WIDOW SPIDER SEX WOULD ONLY BE GOOD ONCE FOR THE DUDE.

    July 27, 2012 at 7:44 pm

  9. Instead of commenting on your explanation of spider sex … allow me to give you MAD PROPS for your Microsoft Paint skillz. Seriously. That program is a TRAIN WRECK of bad programming and horrible user unfriendliness. Your crowning achievement was definitely the piece which I shall name “Tom With Flamethrower.” Spectacular. If I had an online gallery for MS Paint drawings, that would TOTALLY be posted there!

    July 28, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    • Thanks! It really is a nightmare. Once you get used to its absolute fuckery, then… yeah, it still sucks HORRIBLY. I would like to find a different program that’s awesome and FREE. Suggestions are most welcome.

      July 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm

      • By free… you probably don’t mean “pirated copy of…” and then the name of a good program, huh.

        July 28, 2012 at 6:04 pm

      • I probably don’t mean that at all. NOTHING good can come from pirates. Erm… yeah…

        July 29, 2012 at 10:04 am

  10. Laughed my ass off at this one. And I set a can of hair spray and a lighter at the back door.

    July 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm

  11. Alternately, you can trap them in home made napalm, then set them on fire. But I think the hairspray method might be more legal. Probably. I should google that to be sure.

    July 29, 2012 at 1:22 pm

  12. I picked up a big hairy dead spider yesterday thinking it was lint. Gackhsdflk;tfpt that was gross. Hey, I’m giving you the Rockin’ Blogger Award. Come on by and pick it up sometime!

    August 1, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    • Thanks for the award! I’ll come grab it soon(ish) and post it and such :D

      August 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm

  13. I can’t stop laughing! That was some funny shit!

    August 2, 2012 at 3:08 pm

  14. It’s like the spider mating process just came alive in front of my very eyes. Incredibly educational!

    August 3, 2012 at 7:24 pm

  15. Jo

    I’m glad your boob is okay and they didn’t squish it into a rhombus! I loved the spider saga, you should be on the Nature Channel…also, I’m glad you blacked things out when he took out his pedi-penis and gooball.

    August 3, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    • Thanks! I figured it would be a good idea to black it out. Didn’t want to traumatize any children that might click on my blog by mistake.

      August 3, 2012 at 9:30 pm

  16. *ahem*..sung to spiderman……Spider porn! Spider porn! Not as hot as regular porn!
    It’s for the freaks that like spiders! They get off on Spider porn! Look out!! Here comes the Spider PORN!

    August 9, 2012 at 8:29 am

  17. Hm, have you ever thought of educational children’s books? “The Spider Plants His Splooge Ball” would make the perfect title. I’d buy it for my kid, if I had one. Probably good I don’t have one then, eh?

    August 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

  18. I came here from D.J.’s blog. This is the most fucking hilarious post on malfunctioning cats I’ve ever read. You have a wonderful way with epithets.

    August 15, 2012 at 1:44 pm

  19. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: Cerebral Milkshake | Oh Noa.

  20. You should write scripts for those big name porn companies. I know they could use the help. I’ll even sponsor you, with views.

    September 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

  21. Pingback: This Week in Links: No Standing Awkwardly in Water | the ramble

  22. Pingback: Take Off Your Pants Humor (WARNING: This post will make you itchy.) | Cerebral Milkshake

  23. Pingback: In Pursuit of Happiness, Part II | the ramble

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