Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Motherfucking Snickerdoodles

Dear Foxy Bitch In Her Sexy Sixties,

GURL…

You make AARP and liver spots look HOT. That fringed, off the shoulder top that was BEGGING for all of the living creatures within eye-shot to stare at your empty fun bags chest was off the fuckin’ HOOK.

And s’rsly, where the fuck did you get them bedazzled-ass, low-rise skinny jeans? At the Sexy GILFS-R-US store? Your one stop shop for cat food, Depends, and ALL THINGS SEXY??

And OMG, those giant playboy bunny earrings I saw peeking through your braided, bleached blonde pigtails just SCREAMED cuteness. I wish you were MY grandma so you can teach me ALL OF YOUR FUN WAYS.

I also noticed your pink, shiny, high-heeled sandals that accented your arthritic toe joints matched your shiny, pink, manicured little piggies as you were prancing around the waiting room, bossing me around like an entitled princess. HOLY MOTHER OF CHOCOLATE BABY JESUS, just how much ENVY do you own from every stripper that crosses your path as you collop-collop your way around town in those? OODLES OF IT, I bet.

And let me just say, your bold eye-shadow and lipstick monstrosity combo would have even the gnarliest of hookers shake their head in disapproval awe of your… YOU.

Did I say gnarliest? I meant the SEXIEST. ‘Cause you’re a sexy fucking granny. A sexy granny that’s rekindled my fear of cat ladies and aging.

PS.

Your nineteen year old hot granddaughter just called. She wants you to stay the hell out of her closet and go bake her some fucking cookies. Like chocolate chip. Or oatmeal and raisin. Or some snickerdoodles. Yes. Stop acting like a ho-bag and bake up some motherfucking snickerdoodles, Grandma.

No, Grandma. Just… no.

18 responses

  1. I really, really want to believe that this didn’t really happen and you’re just creating a theoretical humorous/traumatic experience. But life tells me that most likely, this did actually happen.

    Hold me. I’m scared.

    July 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    • Sadly, the only thing fictional about this post is that I, in fact, DO NOT want her as my grandmother.
      And I don’t know if she, in fact, has a nineteen year old grand daughter.
      It really was traumatic. She startled the shit out of me just by walking in the door.

      July 19, 2012 at 3:18 pm

  2. Yet again, you’ve made me nearly pee my pants laughing at work. DAMMIT when will I learn to read this blog after hours?

    Never…clearly I’m impatient and foolish. And, still wiping tears from my eyes while I giggle. Don’t care that my coworkers think I’m nuts: if they didn’t know before they’re not very bright.

    July 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    • I’m learning if you let your coworkers think you’re crazy, than you have the upper hand. Though I don’t know how that would pan out if you peed your pants at work. I suppose they would cancel each other out?

      July 19, 2012 at 3:16 pm

  3. Jesi

    Apparently inspiration is a Granny in stripper heels. I’d hate to be the lady who does her brilliance wax, because you know she’s keeping the hedges manicured in the Autumn of her life.

    July 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    • You know what is really awesome about your comment? I almost titled this post, “Apparently, Inspiration is a sixty-year old woman with daddy issues”. And what on earth is a brilliance wax?

      July 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

  4. That’s some scary shit. Someone was passing around a photo of some really shriveled raisin ass grandma/grandpa action in a string bikini and speedo respectively at the beach on Facebook yesterday. *shiver* That’s just wrong. Time to cover it up, Memaw and Pop Pop. We all have gag reflexes after all.

    July 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    • SERIOUSLY…. when old people do that, it’s just….. rude.

      July 20, 2012 at 1:34 pm

  5. dk

    Do you have her number?

    July 19, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    • I don’t…. but this is Mesa, Arizona. I would maybe check the phone book and just start calling all the nursing homes in the area. Ask for “Cinnamon”, or “Candy Tits”. I’m sure they’ll know who you’re talking about. :D

      July 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

  6. I have sadly come across this breed of people once or twice. It’s the frail little grannies with the size quadruple F breast implants I find most scary. But I guess that’s their cure for the ole osteoporosis hunchback.

    July 19, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    • Okay… as disturbing as that is… the mental image I had of a tiny, frail old lady with a giant fake rack was slightly funny.

      July 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

  7. Nic

    The attached photo really completes this post. ***setting as desktop background***

    July 20, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    • That was the best one I could find.. surprisingly/thankfully, there aren’t a whole lot of “sexy old ladies that dress like strippers” in google images

      July 20, 2012 at 6:49 pm

  8. I’m glad I read this on an empty stomach. Classic!

    July 23, 2012 at 5:36 am

  9. Jesi

    LOL dame spell correct, BRAZILIAN wax, which is in no way brilliant on an old lady.

    July 26, 2012 at 10:09 am

    • HA! I remember reading that and thinking, holy shit, there’s a such thing as a BRILLIANT wax? I meant to google it, but I forgot :(

      July 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

  10. Tonight I am just now finding you, and Mayor Gia and Noa. I am cracking the fuck up, because had I known wtf a blog was 20 years ago, this is the kind of shit I would have been writing. Keep on writing…the funny shit and all the shit…because ohhhhhh how I WISH I could remember all the funny stuff from my 20s, before life started kicking my ass full time….funny bitches.

    September 4, 2012 at 7:54 pm

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