Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Because I don’t want to be a Snatchel when I grow up

I have been a smoker for over half my life.

It’s come to my attention that quitting may be a good idea. Cigarettes are wallet-rape expensive, and will make me age violently if I don’t stop this shit soon.
I’ve quit lots of “things” in my life. Difficult, gut wrenching, “but I need you” things. Cigarettes have to be the ONE VICE that I don’t want to let go of. Ever.

“But, why?” Non-smokers ask.
Because smoking is delicious and emotionally nutritious. And it warms my soul like five-star Thai food and orgasms. That’s why.

I fucking love non-smokers. They always have the best, non-asked for advice on quitting smoking, and it usually goes as follows: “Quitting smoking is easy! You just stop, DUH!”

You know what? FUCK YOU, that’s what. Let your blood stream and pleasure centers be penetrated with the glory of nicotine repeatedly over a long period of time, and try to “just stop”. Sure, you get a pat on the back and an “atta boy/girl” if you’ve never started in the first place, but don’t come at me or any other butt-sucker with your clearly well-intended, TOTALLY not self-righteous words of wisdom in which you have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Unless you actually have (successfully) quit. Then, seriously, FUCKING KUDOS. This shit is ridiculously difficult.

I’ve “quit” three times in my life. The first two times were easy, ’cause I was pregnant and the whole maternal instinct thing made quitting easier than a drunk prom-queen. The third time was because “I don’t want lung cancer”. So I stopped. Successfully. Miserably. For a year and half.
All it took were a string of unfortunate events that found me at a bar getting shit-faced with Boyfriend and “I just want one smoke” turned into a reunited love-affair with Joe Camel, as though we never broke up in the first place.

Non-smokers who’ve never smoked ever: Wanna know why your advice sucks and makes smokers want to punch you?:

1. When you’re a smoker, cigarettes are your best friend, and quitting means HAVING TO SAY GOODBYE. That is some painful shit. When you’re a smoker, it becomes your one and only truly reliable support system. Having a bad day? Tell your old pal Joe Camel all about it. He’ll listen to you vent and NOT INTERRUPT ONCE. Did something awesome happen? SHARE IT WITH JOE. He’ll celebrate with you and applaud you on a job well done. Need to brainstorm? WORK IT OUT WITH JOE, and the two of you will come up with AMAZING ideas together. Need to off someone? HE’LL TAKE CARE OF THAT MOTHER FUCKER.
Er, wait, wrong Joe. Anyways, you get my point. Saying goodbye SUCKS. Ever see the movie Marley and Me when Dude has to say goodbye to his dog before he puts him down? IT’S LIKE THAT. But with withdrawals. And homicidal tendencies. Which leads me to number two:

2. Quitting smoking turns you into a hellacious thundercunt.
Well, it does for me, at least, and I’m fairly positive I’m not alone. When you quit smoking, all of your senses are heightened, and NOT in a good/fun way. Horrible sounds are twice as loud and pleasant sounds are aurally abrasive. Your nose starts smelling things the way it was supposed to, and it dawns on you that most people/places/things stink like shit. You want to crawl out of your fucking skin and that sensation seems to be a magnet for annoying personal-bubble rapists to come up to you and TOUCH YOU or pat you on the head or privates* or some shit. The pulsating “please feed me nicotine” headache makes light a bit too bright and you want to cry and claw your eyeballs out. Dealing with these sensations and feelings make day-to-day bull shit down right unbearable, and it brings out the murderous in you. But, you can’t murder anyone because the symptoms of quitting are temporary and you’ll feel really bad once they pass and you see what you’ve done. Plus, murder makes people frown at you. Oh, and because murder is wrong. There’s always that.
So, in a way, we’re doing you folks a favor by not quitting. You’re welcome.

*kidding. People don’t walk up to me and pat my privates. Thankfully. That would be so fucking awkward.

3. Did I mention that dishing out advice or enlightenment on something you know nothing about makes you an asshole? Yeah. It does. Sorry, Cupcake, but you really need to consider swallowing a hefty load of shut the fuck up.

Once again, I’m at a “fuck cancer and wallet rape” point in my life. And “OMG I’m going to look like sixty year old brown leather snatchel* if I don’t knock this shit off” point.

*total typing error, but “SNATCHEL” made me giggle, so it fucking stays.

More importantly, my kids are getting older, and before I know it, they’re going to be using teenage angst and daddy issues to fuel the reason for experimentation and bad decisions. I doubt my kids will take me seriously when I tell them “smoking is a horrible thing, so don’t do it EVER” while I’m sucking them down quicker than they suck down Capri Suns. Seeing as how my oldest is the same age I was when I lit my first one, I feel like NOW is the time to get a handle on this shit and break up with my beloved Joe FOREVER. And I’m having a really hard time ending this post, so here’s a picture of what a brown leather snatchel looks like:

The End.

24 responses

  1. To be honest, when I look through blogs and come across one that has a pageful of text i normally don’t read it. ( i know, today society doesn’t read enough blah, i get my literary fill with books) But when I read your blog, I hunker down, hunch my spine closer towards my screen (to ensure efficient eye ball dryness) and indulge in your hilarity. You write well and crack jokes like no ones business.
    I smoked for a tiny stint in my life. I weaselled out on it though and smoked sparingly in between so i guess i didn’t feel the withdrawals… You’ve got ovaries for putting yourself out there. Letting the world know you are quitting smoking. Now you can’t disappoint us.

    June 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    • Thank you for the compliment. Eye-ball dryness is some serious shit, do be careful (ooo, ANOTHER thing to raise awareness for. I should make stickers).
      Oh crap, now there’s pressure… I have to put on my serious pants and go head first into quitting. :D

      June 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm

  2. While I admit I’m a nonsmoker, I have some of those same support system responses to food. And while the nonsmoker advice thing is irritating as shit, I do just want to offer one little thing: I lost my entire family to smoking related cancers. Even the one that never smoked a day in her life. It is a horrible, long, drawn-out, wretched, painful way to die. You’re too nice for that.

    June 13, 2012 at 7:48 am

    • Sorry to hear about your family… I’ve seen the horrors of cancer, and its not pretty… I kinda shame myself for not letting that be reason enough to quit. Getting there though..
      Is it just me or is everyone who’s never lost weight a day in there life a food expert? I tell ya, I’ve lost over a hundred pounds and I get shit at work if I eat a damn pork chop or a bun less hamburger. These are from the same over weight people who whine because they haven’t lost a pound but insist on telling me “what I’m doing wrong” (because I clearly asked them in the first place) and try and convince others that flour dusted banana bread is “healthy for you because Dr Oz said so”.

      June 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm

      • Even worse is when they’ve never ever had a weight problem to begin with. I tried Jenny Craig once, and after about a month of struggling I was bitching to my “counselor” about the whole food-is-comfort thing and she was giving me pointers like, “take a bath instead.” I looked right at her and said, “Have you ever had a weight problem? Have you ever used food as a drug?” And she replies, “I gained 10 pounds my freshman year of college. It took forever to get it off.” Here, bitch, have a nice hot cup of STFU. They hired her because she was a good salesperson, not because she had any clue what any of her clients were dealing with. Blarg.

        June 18, 2012 at 8:36 am

  3. Von

    Just came here for the first time from Oh Noa. I have been smoking for 40 years, so I hear you loud and clear. I intend to quit…every damned day. Good luck, I hope you make it this time.

    June 13, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    • Good luck to you, too! I love smoking like hookers love Wafflehouse, but it really is an awful habit. I may take the “smoke two packs within four hours” approach to get myself sick of it enough to never want to smoke again. If I don’t die of a nicotine overdose.

      June 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

  4. You pretty much summed up my smoking habit and why I quit, yet still fight the fact I quit every damn day. Thanks for sharing and good luck. I am sure you will quit before you get snatchelized.

    June 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

  5. ME TOO… the really screwed up thing is I’m more afraid of looking like a Snatchel than I am of lung cancer or COPD. WTF.

    June 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

  6. kk

    i agree with #1 totally. quitting smoking is like a breakup with your best friend. i did it, though, pretty recently and i’ haven’t been smoking for like…a couple months, i dunno, i find it too weird and depressing to count. i think i was just in the right place in my life to quit. i tried before and i would have the worst fits and dream about cigarettes every night. now i’m pretty chill (it helps to be busy and not drink). best of luck to you!!

    June 18, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    • Thank you, SAME TO YOU.
      I remember cigarette dreams… THEY FEEL SO REAL. Certainly makes it difficult to try and forget how amazing it is to smoke.

      June 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

  7. UGGGGGGGGGGGGH

    I’ve been fighting with smoking for years. I’ll get down to 1 a day, decide that’s not enough to worry about and then start a little more and a little more. Then I go back to 1 a day, and some doucherag decides to tell me that I can just stop if that’s all I smoke. MUCH like you said, saying goodbye forever is very different than seeing my good friend once a day.

    Fuck them and their non-smokers BS. I’ll show you where this cigarette fits. It rhymes with your basshole.

    June 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

    • RIGHT IN THEIR MASSTOLE… er, wait… yeah, hehe. Cothertuckers.
      Really struggling hardcore this time around with quitting. Doesn’t help that I found two places close by the new house that sells them for about five bucks a pack. I don’t know how expensive they are in Canada, but for here, that is incredibly cheap.
      FML.

      June 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

  8. And finally I understand why my husband won’t quit smoking…but you said it far, far better than he. I’m totally calling him a Snatchel later without explaining why.

    Also, I nearly spit Dr. Pepper all over my laptop. At work. WIN!

    June 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

  9. mustlovesnark

    Afuckingmen. I’ve been quit for 5 months now and to say I’m having a difficult time would be an understatement. Well meaning family and friends keep saying things about lung cancer and cash money and while yes I get it I also just want them to shut up so I can have a cigarette. The only thing keeping me from smoking right now is the thought that I’d have to go through the previous five months over again next time I quit…

    June 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    • GOOD LUCK AND HANG IN THERE. It does get easier at some point. I don’t remember exactly when that point is, but it does happen.

      June 21, 2012 at 2:49 pm

  10. This is amazing. My boyfriend is trying to quit and I know I just can’t relate. I’m promptly sending this to him.

    June 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

  11. Ugh I’m still working on quitting. Unsuccessfully.

    June 24, 2012 at 8:28 am

    • I hear ya… I made up my mind after posting this that “this is my last pack, dammit”. But there was only two left and that wasn’t enough of a goodbye, so I bought…. five more? Six? Maybe thirteen packs. One of those.
      Fuck.

      June 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

  12. While working at a long-term acute care hospital (where more than half than patients were on trach ventilators) I still took smoke breaks. I’m an asshole, and I unabashedly love smoking.

    July 3, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    • I’ve seen some really gnarly shit at work/school, yet somehow, seeing x-rays of rotting lungs and watching people push around O2 tanks while hacking up some unbelievably horrible shit never stopped me from taking a smoke break. I too, am an asshole :)

      July 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

  13. Quitting smoking is like repetive kicks to the crotch compounded by a brass band of tiny nazi monkeys playing Herb Alpert muzac in your brain day and night. It sucks. Sucks ass. I’m 38, and have been smoking since I was 14. I quit with all 3 of my kids, and then once for 9 whole weeks (yeah go me!) where I turned into a waspish, evil, harpy hell bent on destroying anyone else’s pleasure. Because I’m a joyful bitch like that!

    August 9, 2012 at 9:01 am

  14. Pingback: Zesty as Fuck « Cerebral Milkshake

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