Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Even goldfish aren’t safe from the herpes-ninja

After my second to last post, my blog started getting a flood of traffic. Although, it did wonders for my self-esteem was kind of exciting, I naturally became suspicious and consulted my blog stats as to why I was getting a massive visitor tsunami. Aside from people typing “goldfish herpes*”, “asshole milkshake”, “mud poured into vagina”, “rub magic to size magical man ass hole (SERIOUSLY)”, “girl goo”, “vagina cannon”, and “val kilmer” into search engines, “MAN GETS HIS FACE EATEN OFF”, (with variations of said search term), has been a guiding light for people to my blog-nonsense. This is a little weird seeing as how I only briefly mentioned it in my post, but sure enough, if you google “man gets face eaten off”, it’s in the top four links that come up. Thanks for the lift, Google.



“Baby, I swear, I got it from a toilet seat”. Yeah right, Fish. Fuck you and your weird face.

*This happens to be a real thing. Apparently, goldfish** aren’t well-educated in safe sex.
**and where in my blog have I ever posted about goldfish? No where, that’s where, so WTF?***
***If any of you guys find where in my blog I’ve talked about goldfish, let me know, because it’s actually bugging the shit out of me. Your prize will be a Starbucks gift card that has $1.27 on it. Or a lightly used pen****. YOUR CHOICE.
****It’s a really nice pen.

Two things I’ve noticed post dude-having-a-face-snack incident: people really believe this is a sign of the zombie apocalypse, and they also like to throw around the word “cannibal”.

I think people need to calm the fuck down.

Cannibalism is more of a lifestyle, like being vegan or paleo.  Seriously, ONE incident of a human nom-nomming on another human does not make one a cannibal. That’s like calling someone a hooker just because they were paid for sex ONCE in their life, and it was a during a low time and there’s nothing they can do to fix it and they drown in a pool of self-loathing and shame to this day for it. Seriously.YOU HAVE TO EARN THESE TITLES, folks. If I were a cannibal, this shit would offend me. JUST SAYIN’.
(Just kidding. The only things that offend me are Nickelback and fat-free ranch dressing. And reality television. And Kim Kardashian).

What happened here is the result of doing bad drugs and being very, very hungry. In all likelihood, the homeless guy probably looked like a sandwich or a delicious pot roast and Dude just went for it. It’s still quite a tragedy, but a cannibal tragedy? NO WAY.

And saying this is a sign of the zombie apocalypse seems a bit silly. Last I checked, you have to be dead in order to be a zombie. Apparently, this guy was very much alive while he was having his face and eating it, too. Again, just super high with a violent case of the munchies.


6 responses

  1. Please don’t take this the wrong way… clever. very clever. totally digging it.

    June 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    • Since wordpress is being an asshole lately, I’m just now seeing these comments… a belated “thank you”, kind sir.

      June 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

  2. “A human nom-nomming” oh my god, i laughed so hard! I had to re-read it three time over just to quell my laughter! If only I had questionable search words for my blog, all i got is my blog title, a random persons name and bjork, yawn.

    June 11, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    • oh man… some of the things people search for really make me concerned for humanity. And for my blog. And kinda makes me want to step it up a little.

      June 21, 2012 at 2:53 pm

  3. 28 days later zombies weren’t dead. I’m not saying the zombiepocolypse is here, I’m just saying they don’t have to be dead dead. Also I got a call that day from a friend who was so concerned he made me look for a half hour on the internet to make sure that the guy was actually dead. Then he got worried cause no one head shot him. It was an odd day. I wondered if those days happen to other people. I’m rambling on your comments. Sorry.

    June 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

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