Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

Aw, look at the cute little baby pig! (so sorry about your privates)

 I hate watching the news.

It’s full of nothing but depressing, horrible stuff. Usually. Except when it’s not, but that’s rare. More often than not, its along the lines of:

“Breaking News: Family of five shot by some dick head right down the street from your house.”

“Guess what? There are babies that don’t get to live because CANCER IS AN ASSHOLE (just in case you weren’t aware)”

“The weather sucks. It’ll suck tomorrow, too. It might be nice on Thursday, but I’m only saying that because adding variance to my reports will keep you hopeful and you’ll come back tomorrow and listen to me talk some more. But, in reality, it’ll probably suck on Thursday, too”

“This just in: That ever famous rich sewer-rat “Snooki” is pregnant with a fucking BABY”

“Here’s a shit ton of updates on reality shows that are dumb. Just remember, all of the fucktards on these shows are probably far more rich than you could ever hope to be, all because they’re dumb and people want to watch snippets of their epic dumbness.”

You get my gist.

The news sucks but I still watch it from time to time. You know why I watch it? Because the news people are ATTRACTIVE. Not in a “ooh, time to diddle” sort of way. Just in a, “Wow, her hair is perfect and she has very fortunate facial features. And I bet that guys smells AMAZING. He looks really warm and nice” kind of way.

“There was a massacre at the local orphanage, and your Boyfriend cheated on you with your sister. She’s pregnant. But its okay because I smell like pure testosterone and magical fairy secretions AND IT SHOWS IN MY HANDSOME FACE AND SUPER CONCERNED DEMEANOR.

(That’s Anderson Cooper, one of the news people from CNN)

Supposedly, we react favorably to things that are pleasing to the senses (I would link some awesome scientific study to prove this statement, but I’ll save the trouble by saying, “well NO SHIT”). Think back to when you’ve been subjected to some shitty information or forced to endure a very boring conversation with someone, but it was totally fine because that person appealed to you in some way. Either they were easy on the eyes, or they wore an amazing perfume, or you were licking their cheek while they were talking and they tasted like PEANUT BUTTER.
You know, something that made one or more of your senses scream “FUCK YEAH!!”

Sadly, it’s not just the news that’s filled with horrible information. It’s in your mail box. You hear it at your doctor’s office. Or it’s your once favorite song that you use as a ring tone, but is no longer awesome, because now it triggers a sense of “I’m about to receive horrible information”, or, “someone is about to take thirty minutes from me because they have a horrid case of verbal diarrhea and need to hear themselves talk”. (Seriously, venting is one thing, but when someone is going to take time from me that I’ll never get back just to tell me nonsense about what they had for breakfast or to remind me that gas prices suck and not let me get a word in edge-wise, IT MAKES ME WANT TO CLAW MY FACE OFF).

I think there’s an awesome solution to this. ALL CRAPPY OR MEANINGLESS INFORMATION SHOULD BE STAPLED TO THE BACKS OF KITTENS DELIVERED BY SOMETHING THAT IS PLEASING TO THE SENSES.

Are you a doctor? YOU SHOULD BE HOT. If not, then carry a baby piglet with you at all times. Or a baby teacup chihuahua. Something cute and SAFE, making it easier on your patients when you’re about to destroy their life with horrible news.

“So surrry, but you have the super herpes and yer penis is going to be gross forever the end. That’ll be a hundred dollars. kthanxby.”

See what happened there? That baby pig just made that message kind of okay. If not down right bearable. But if THAT doesn’t work, give them flowers with a nice card. Flowers are fucking pretty and they smell nice (DOUBLE WIN).

“Thanks to herpes, your genitals will never be as pretty as these flowers, but its okay, ’cause you can still smell nice like them. But not your genitals. Genitals can never smell like flowers no matter how hard you try.”

For my phone, I think I’m going to make everyone’s ring tone the sound of a purring kittens (on vibrate) and change their default picture* to this:

Hey you. It’s me. NOT YOUR MOM. Nonono, it’s okay…You don’t have to actually pick up. I just wanted to soothe your soul with the sound of purring kittens and stuff. I had a feeling you were having a bad day, so I ordered you some green curry beef from that one place you love, and its THAI HOT with extra vegetables, just the way you like it. It should be at your place in thirty minutes. Oh, and I know how you’ve been trying to quit smoking. I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to. See, I’m smoking, and I’m awesome. You’re awesome, too, so keep smoking, Gorgeous. Your hair looks really nice. This was a good talk. I’m glad it happened.”

*BOYFRIEND: Don’t trip: I would not change your picture in a million years. I fucking love your face and still love hearing you talk for insane periods of time. Even when it’s about computer stuff and geography and I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.*

 I was going to put in an adorable picture of a newborn baby in a mailbox holding bills, but surprisingly, there aren’t very many of those. Cute ones, that is.

The End.

9 responses

  1. I can vouch for the fact that Anderson Cooper smells more like Fairy secretion than testosterone (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that he is indeed a handsome piece of anchorman. I’ve always wanted a little pig and my kids love chihuauas and I can’t stand to watch the news cause it depresses the shit out of me, so I just watch the political stuff, especially Rachel Maddow, who probably does smell of testosterone, but in a good way, I’m most certain.

    May 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

  2. By the way…I love your blog. And I’m not just saying that because Robert Downey Jr. told me to.

    May 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

  3. Seriously, Anderson Cooper looks like he smells like musk and smoky wood with some skittles mixed in or something.
    (and, thank you! I’m glad you find enjoyments here!)

    May 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

  4. I would totally take medical advice from someone holding a chihuahua. Or the chihuahua itself, really.

    May 10, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    • AGREED… just having a small baby animal around would make the experience so much more awesome… “Here’s a puppy for you to play with while I do your pap smear”.

      May 10, 2012 at 2:49 pm

  5. 300poundsdown

    Just stumbled on your blog and spent the last 5 minutes laughing so hard that tears ran down my face and I choked on my coffee. Since I was at starbucks the two people across from me (who went to get the napkins when I started spitting up some of the coffee whilst choking) asked what was so darn funny. So we all read it over again. Thanks for the awesome laugh! You just made my little corner of Starbucks spit out all their coffee!!

    May 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    • Hooray for making people spit out their tasty beverages! This makes me feel powerful, thus boosting my self-esteem, so I thank you in return! :D

      May 11, 2012 at 2:14 pm

  6. Oh wow! That was my funniest blog read of the day! Thanks for the like over at my place, too! You won a follower.

    December 7, 2012 at 11:03 am

  7. Pingback: Chris P. Bacon | Nope, not fashion!

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