Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.


I was seriously contemplating doing something brave and spontanious and so far removed from my comfort zone that I may as well tear my skin off.

I was thinking about going on a road trip.

This is a big deal, ’cause I’m fucking terrified of the outside world I never make time to go on trips or do fun things with my little family that require planning and time and money that I technically don’t have but like to pretend I do sometimes. It’s kind of fucked up, really. We aren’t horribly far from fun things like Disney Land, and the Grand Canyon (we live in Arizona for fuck’s sake and have never gone to see it. I feel like that’s just wrong on some level).

It's like the Earth's giant, gaping, post menopausal vagina. AND I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE.

When I saw that my most favorite blog lady EVER was doing a book signing in San Francisco for her memoir, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”,  I thought, what a great excuse to ATTEMPT AN ADVENTURE. Seriously, I love Jenny Lawson and would love to meet the hell out of her. But Life was all, “fuck you and your vague plans”. Because Life is an asshole. Its all cool though, ’cause Life made up for it by sending me her book A WHOLE DAY EARLY (thanks, Life!). So I’m going to do the next best thing: Turn on Spongebob for the Children and leave out a loaf of bread, some butter*, and maybe a few packs of skittles if they’re good, rip open a bag of cat chow for the animals and tip it over, buy a fat bottle of wine, lock myself in my room and read the shit out of that book. Like a fuckin’ boss.

Weekend plans = SET.

Though I don’t know what to do about Boyfriend. Maybe every time he knocks on the door, I’ll just start sobbing loudly and saying things like “uterus” and, “I want a baby” so he’ll leave me alone.

*Seriously, I would never do that. Butter has no protein or vitamins in it at all. What I meant was PEANUT BUTTER.

7 responses

  1. I just bought my copy this evening, so I am also going to reading the shit outta this book!

    April 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    • Hooray for reading the shit out of awesome things!!

      April 20, 2012 at 7:52 pm

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Totally made me laugh – sobbing, saying ‘uterus’ & you want a baby!! :)

    April 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm

  3. reeljerc

    Lived in AZ for 6 Mos. never went anywhere but Frys for grocs. Oh, except when I opened a bank account the lady saw I was from CA (technically from IA, but born in IL) she said (paraphrasing) AZ will suck the beauty right out of you.
    Never forget that.

    April 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    • just based on what I have seen in my fifteen years or so living here, that statement is 100% true. I’m scared.

      April 21, 2012 at 9:18 pm

  4. reannathorne528393966

    Jenny’s book trumps gaping Earth vagina. The Grand Canyon will still be there, gaping and all vagina-like whenever you get around to it.

    April 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

Leave this bitch a comment. Bitches love comments.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 126 other followers