Weirder than midget porn. More metal than your mom.

‘Cause sometimes, you need some chocolate christyness in your day

In the name of sweet chocolate baby jesus,
let today be met with a lack of murder by my hands.
Let these people shut the fuck up
And those who smell of cheese use soap before entering this space.
Let no fellow work mate or those in waiting unleash sweaty caterpillars upon my skin
Full of vileness with intent to condemn my soul to fiery, rapey torment

And lo, remind my children to wipe after pooping during this day, so I will not be met with streaky stinky Princess panties upon my return to the home space
Let no sound of bed time rebellion be of aural assault to my being.
“Yes mom”
“How was your day, Mom”
“Thanks for the twelve hours of bullshit you just put up with to feed us, Mom”
These be the songs of gratitude I desire to hear upon the lips of my sometimes angels tonight.

And I ask that you may gently remind beloved Boyfriend to wash the sheets before his departure to work, as a baby cat peed upon its sheetiness in our sleep. And to do his fucking dishes.

As I spaketh of kittens, I ask they be shown the fucking litter box, as they are now old enough to use it. Shall they miss, I ask you still my foot so I may not slip in its wrathful goo and break my face. Should I fall, I ask that you remind me of their adorableness, as to not skewer them and make shish kabobs.

Should the kitten skewers commence, I ask that shit be fucking tasty.

The End.

"Oh, sweet chocolate baby jesus... please keep this crazy bitch from skewering me. kthankzbye"

 

10 responses

  1. Hi-fuckin-larious! Wish I knew how to follow on wordpress.

    April 13, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    • Yeah, word press is kinda weird. Slightly wishing I went with blogger instead but it’ll do… I think there is a “follow” button on the upper part of my blog screen, OR you can click the “punt” button on the right to get email notifications.

      April 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

      • Sweet! Just signed up to follow. Hit me with the good shit!

        April 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

  2. Hellz yes, will do! Unless there are times where all I can do is mediocre at best. Those posts will at least be gratuitously sprinkled with funny pictures and video.

    April 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm

  3. MOV

    I am in love with the kitty frog. I need a hat like that.

    just found your blog, and will definitely be back to read more!

    best,
    MOV

    April 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

    • I think the world would be a better place if we all wore hats like that… There would be no more war and fighting cause everyone would be too cute to murder.
      Thanks for the comment :) Glad you found entertainment on my little corner of the Internet!

      April 14, 2012 at 10:34 am

  4. Oly

    Most hilariously awesome thing I’ve read all year! Love it. :)

    April 15, 2012 at 11:21 am

    • that is FABULOUS… thank you for coming by for prayer time.

      April 15, 2012 at 4:03 pm

  5. Kitten Tikka Masala – oh yes!

    April 19, 2012 at 2:02 am

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